QUESTION: "My husband becomes extremely uncomfortable whenever I try to talk to him about sex-he just shuts down or changes the subject. I try not to force the issue because I know he's touchy, but I'm getting really frustrated. How can I let him know, without hurting his feelings, that I want him to do more of some things, like oral sex, and less of other things, like breast-gobbling?" (Susan, 28)

ANSWER: Breast-gobbling? Sounds like you're being treated more like a Thanksgiving turkey than a partner in intimacy.

First of all, take heart: you're not alone. Lack of communication about sex is one of the most prevalent issues plaguing relationships today and a leading cause of divorce. On the other hand, criticism, expressed harshly, can be just as destructive, so your instinct not to push is smart.

But nonetheless it's imperative that you communicate your feelings. The question is how:

Some therapists suggest having a frank discussion outside of the bedroom; others recommend using non-verbal cues during sex (like gently pushing his head towards your genitals). Personally, I find both of these approaches lacking: (when it comes to talking about sex, there's often a gap between what we want to say and how we end up saying it, and even the kindest words can come off as confrontational; as for the exchange of physical cues during sex, you can't blame a guy for not taking a hint in the heat of a moment.)

So I like to suggest an alternative approach, one loosely based on Masters and Johnson's "sensate focus" — a technique used by sex therapists to help couples overcome sexual dysfunction by encouraging them to explore each other's bodies and responses without the pressure of intercourse or orgasm.

Next time you're about to have sex, tell your husband you want to try something new: taking turns "giving" and "receiving." If your husband gets nervous (guys often do when it comes to doing something "new") tell him to relax, you'll go first in the role of "giver"— if he's like most guys he'll be more than happy to receive. It may sound obvious, but normally during sex we're giving and receiving simultaneously, and the latter experience often overshadows the former. Unfortunately, our bodies don't come with "user manuals," but this exercise gives us the opportunity, as well as the tacit permission, to learn through doing.

Start off with a slow, easy massage and build up gradually to more erotic activities like kissing and genital stimulation. Now's your chance to lavish and attend to his body the way you want him to lavish and attend to yours: do to him as you would unto yourself. If you want more kissing, kiss him more; if you want more oral attention, then give him more. Focus on the activities at hand (or mouth for that matter), lose yourself in the process and purge your mind of any negative thoughts about past experiences that might get in the way of your experience of giving. Encourage him to vocalize, and be sure to let him know how much you're enjoying the process too. At the heart of this technique is positive reinforcement and creating a positive feedback loop. Feel free to bring him to orgasm: remember, this time around it was his turn to receive; your turn is coming up and he won't be able to focus on you if he's still in a peak state of arousal.

When it's your turn to receive (either after he's had a chance to recover, or else the next time you're sexually intimate) he'll likely follow your example, whether he realizes it or not. Also, just the simple fact of being in "giver" mode will compel him to slow down and to attune himself to your responses.

Now's your chance to enthusiastically let him know what feels good, and to gently let him know what doesn't. If you don't enjoy a particular activity (like "gobbling" your breasts), then let him know. But be sure to cast your criticisms in a positive light: if something feels bad, tell him it doesn't feel as good as other things he's been doing; if normally you don't like how rough, fast and impatient he is, tell him how much you're enjoying his lingering hands and teasing touch. Don't worry about hurting his feelings: the structure of the exercise permits you to give him feedback and allows him to check his ego.

Some couples enjoy this technique of giving and receiving so much that it becomes a regular part of their sexual routine; others use it when they want to take a break from sex and the pressure of mutual gratification. In your case, use it as a way of establishing a clear basis of communication and return to it whenever you feel the need to show and tell.