QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

I’ve discovered that my teenage son has been using his computer to look at porn on the Internet. In fact, I think he’s becoming a porn junkie. And some of the stuff seems really hard core. His father isn’t much help in talking to him about this—he’s got some old porn magazines lying around too! Can you help me get my son (and my husband) back on the right track!"

ANSWER: The truth is that pornography has always been out there and teenage boys have always found ways to get to it: from scamming a copy of Playboy off a buddy’s older brother to sneaking a XXX video into the VCR when Mom and Dad are out, porn has always been available -- it’s just never been so easily accessible. The Internet packs a pornographic double-whammy in that it removes the inefficiency of delivery (like embarrassing trips to the magazine store), and also provides anonymity. These days there’s no need to even leave the house to be immersed in a universe of porn of all stripes, and not getting caught is as easy as a click of the mouse. As one teenage boy confided to me,

“My mom suspected I was downloading Internet porn, so she put a blocker on my laptop, and limited my computer time to doing homework in the kitchen while she was making dinner. But the blocker was easy to get around – sure, it filtered some of the photos and the videos, but not the chat-rooms, blogs or P2P sites – so I ended up watching porn while she cooked.”

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft estimated that nine out of ten teens have been exposed to pornography, while a study of sex addiction by MSNBC.com and The San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center (in which more than 9,000 Internet users were surveyed) revealed that:

- 80 percent of those surveyed used their home computers for sexual purposes.
- 1% percent of respondents could be classified as cyber-sex compulsives (in that they used the Internet for sexual purposes for 11 or more hours per week).
- The average age of first exposure to Internet pornography is 11 years old
- The largest consumers of Internet pornography are aged 12 to 17.
- 80% of 15-17 year olds have had multiple hard-core exposures online.
- 90% of 8-16 year olds with Internet access have viewed porn online (mostly while doing homework)

While many adults are able to view porn without harm (although some do run the risk of becoming addicted), there’s a growing consensus amongst psychologists that teenage boys are most vulnerable. According to Gary Brooks, a psychology professor at Baylor University and author of The Centerfold Syndrome,

"They're already dealing with higher levels of physiological arousal, as well as a lack of comfort in intimacy in relationships anyway. Psychologists know that when adult males have a steady diet of pornography, they begin to display an obsession with visual stimulation that makes it difficult for them to have a healthy relationship. It also prompts obsessive fetishes over body parts, the rating of women by size and shape and a fear of intimacy. There's an inability to get beyond centerfold images of women to have a real relationship."

In my own clinical experience, I’ve observed that exposure to Internet porn does indeed give teenage boys a distorted view of female sexuality, but I’ve also found that boys aren’t the only teenagers viewing Internet porn; in fact Net Trends (a firm that measures online usage) reported that 47 percent of computer users going to explicit Web sites were 12-to 18-year-old females. Just like the boys, young women are internalizing are these images and taking them as cues to what it means to be sexual.
So here’s what I want you to do:

- First off, pick up a copy of Patrick Carnes’ In the Shadow of the Net – it’s a great book on the subject of Internet porn addiction and will help you to understand the syndrome and recognize the signs.

- Talk to other parents about your fears. Trust me, you’re not alone, and they’ll respect you for breaking the ice on this thorny subject. If you’re a bit uneasy “outing” your son’s behaviors, then just say that you’re worried in general about the proliferation of Internet porn and you’re wondering if they share your concerns. Trust me, they do.

- Take the lead in taking action. Form a working group with other parents and write a letter to the school principal asking him/her to provide a plan for confronting the issue systemically. Maybe there’s a school psychologist who can get involved, or one that can be brought in to lead workshops on the subject.

- Let your husband know what you’re doing and ask for his cooperation. Remember, this isn’t about his own penchant for porn; it’s about your joint concern for your son’s future and the formation of his character.

- Finally, introduce your son to the works of outstanding, self-respecting feminist thinkers such as The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, in which she demonstrates that the images found on television and in advertisements, women's magazines, and pornography are detrimental to women, as well as to the men who love them. Like I said at the outset, porn has always been out there and it always will be. In the end, you can’t stop your from looking, but you can impact how he sees.