QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

I’ve been hooking up with this guy and I still can’t figure out if he really likes me or I’m just a booty-call? He says all the right things, but actions speak louder than words, right?"

ANSWER: Right. Turn down the volume and look at what he’s doing, not saying. I knew one guy who always used to say, “I don’t know if I believe in love, but I sure do believe in saying I love you.” Talk is cheap, so look at his actions: do you go on actual dates together, or do you typically get together for a drink or two before sex? Does he make a plan in advance to see you, or does he call out of the blue? Have you socialized with his friends or family, or is sex always the main component of your encounters? Are you spending the night together, or is one of you going home when all is said and done?

In a previous column, I advised women to trust their instincts as well as their orgasms. Sex releases a hormone in women called oxytocin (also known as the cuddle hormone.) But if there’s nothing there to cuddle with on an emotional level -- if the experience is bereft of a genuine sense of intimacy -- then orgasm could trigger a sense of sadness and regret.

But what about him -- are there any sexual clues that might give you some insight into how he really feels about you? Or to put another way, after sex is he a “cuddler,” a “roll-over,” or an “up and outer?”

If he’s a cuddler you probably have nothing to worry about. Even if he doesn’t fully know it, lust is doing its thing and pushing him towards infatuation and romantic love.

If, on the other hand, he does the “roll-over” after sex and starts snoring, don’t be alarmed. He might still be a keeper. Men and women experience sexual response in different ways: as an example, men have to develop the requisite sexual tension to accomplish ejaculation, also known as the propulsive orgasm. It takes a whole lot of blood going into the genitals to accomplish this, as well as a whole lot of blood going out. It’s exhausting to say the least. Post-ejaculation men’s bodies grind to a halt. Since women have no need to ejaculate, blood circulates longer in the genitals – it’s slower going in and slower going out – so women remain in the aroused state: hence the female capacity for multiple orgasms. So if he rolls over and starts snoring, cut him some slack. Sure he could use a little re-training – why can’t he fall asleep while holding you in his arms– but his heart may be in the right place.

It’s the “up and outer” that worries me, the guy who, right after sex, is up checking his messages, organizing his CDs or talking about all the work he has to do and the busy morning ahead. Just as women experience post-orgasmic regret, men experience pre-orgasmic anticipation: men will say all sorts of things and get themselves into all sorts of situations and lower their standards in ways that women cannot fathom just to have sex, so powerful in the desire for orgasm (and why the aging toothless prostitute is still able to turn a tidy profit).

Hence, right after sex many men experience their own form of post-orgasmic regret, a sense of entrapment and desire to flee. Some anthropologists argue that this in an evolutionary response: women have a limited amount of eggs, and men have an unlimited amount of sperm. So women are going to be choosier about whom they sleep with, while men are going to be more indiscriminate, and then consequently want to get out when they’re with a woman with whom they’re not interested in mating with. So let’s cut to the chase. He may be saying all the right things, but his actions and sexual signals post-sex may be saying otherwise. Cherish the cuddler, re-train the roll-over and when it comes to the up and outer, beat him to the door and don’t look back!