QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

Between our jobs and our kids it's really hard for us to spend quality time together and to connect. I don't want to our relationship to suffer but it seems impossible to have actual romantic dates together any more! Any suggestions on how we manage to spend time on each other when we have so much else going on? How can we make the most of the free hours we do have? "

ANSWER: It’s an oft-cited fact that 1 out of 2 marriages in the United States end in divorce. But did you know that most of those people who divorce get married again and that 2 out of 3 re-marriages also end in Splitsville? What does this tell you? Our hearts are in the right place – we want to be in committed long-term relationships – but we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And your question – the issue of how to stay intimately connected in the midst of all the chaos – is at the core of the problem.

Before I touch on specific strategies for re-connecting with your partner, let’s look at the “relationship-cycle” from 30,000 feet. At a high level, all relationships go through three stages: Lust, Romantic Love and Attachment. I don’t need to tell you about lust, it’s a big part of what attracted you to your partner in the first place and allowed you to pick him/her from all the others.

Lust paves the way for Romantic Love, also known as infatuation, and there are some potent sex-chemicals at work to help engender that sweet thrill of falling in love. (Dopamine, norepinephrine, lowered serotonin levels – you don’t have to memorize the names, but trust me, this chemical cocktail turned you into a love-junkie.) In pure “pair-bonding” terms these sex-chemicals help us to build a base of togetherness so that we can move out of the dating phase and into the serious business of mating (also known as the attachment phase).

And now come Nature’s cruel ironies: not only do you not have the time or energy for romance, but those euphoric sex chemicals that kept the sparks flying in the infatuation phase have been largely replaced with new ones that foster a sense of security and well-being (which is what you need for long-term stability, but not a hot night on the town).

So when we talk about re-connecting as a couple, it’s my conviction that we should do things that get the brain producing those infatuation-chemicals again. A romantic candle-lit dinner may be intimate and enjoyable, but it basically reinforces the sense attachment we’re already feeling.

So we need to get more creative. That said here are some ideas to get your wheels spinning about how to get those sparks flying:

• Get your heart rate up. Psychologists like to say that “adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder” because those infatuation chemicals I mentioned earlier are stimulated when we do exciting things together. That doesn’t mean you have to go bungy-jumping together (although it wouldn’t hurt), but you should try to introduce a sense of novelty into date-night. Maybe you haven’t been out dancing since you’re wedding night, or perhaps you have yet to try something new and potentially embarrassing (like bowling). The point is to pursue novel stimuli. Studies have also shown that aerobic exercise also gets the sex-chemicals flowing, so go on a roller-blading date together and then hit the shower together. Which leads me to --
  
• Get eroticized. Being sexual with each other is a big part of what makes us more than just friends, but once we’re married it’s easy to ignore the sex and to start feel like our marriage is just that – a friendship. In truth there is a “use it or lose it” aspect to our libidos and we need to keep our relationship eroticized. One school of thought simply suggests: have sex. Having sex stimulates the sex chemicals, fosters intimacy, leads to a healthier, happier outlook on life and ultimately begets more sex. Be erotically creative: from sharing fantasies to trying new things together to making a pit stop at a sex-toy shop on the way home, or popping into Victoria’s Secret together to pick out some sexy lingerie together, don’t shy away from the fact that you are sexual beings and sexual partners.
  
• Grow as a couple. In my experience as a therapist, those couples that commit to the personal growth of their relationship, above and beyond all of their other responsibilities, are most content: from volunteering together and spending time helping others, to taking adult education classes together (wine-tasting is always a good one), to investing together or finding new hobbies to pursue together, the couple that grows together stays together.
  
• Play Hookie. This is one of my personal favorites. Some of my best dates with my wife have been completely spontaneous, when we’ve both found ourselves home from work or with a free afternoon to stroll the streets, hold hands, have a leisurely lunch (with wine), shop a bit, check out a flick (something we rarely have time for) or even get down to some spontaneous canoodling before our son gets home from school. Instead of scheduling “date-time,” take a personal day together and then be spontaneous about how you fill your time. Playing hookie is even more fun when you’re a grown up.