QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

My boyfriend and I are living together, and we’re both really focused on our jobs at this point in our lives. We haven’t had time for sex, or much else for that matter. We’ve tried to schedule sex, but it’s just not working. My boyfriend says that where there’s a will there’s a way, but the problem is that we’ve made time for the way, but I just don’t have the will anymore." (Rebecca, 26)

ANSWER: For couples leading hectic, professional lives, scheduled sex has become fairly commonplace. Unfortunately, structuring sex into a weekly schedule only compounds performance pressures and undermines spontaneous desire, reducing sex to another task that must be squeezed into the to-do list, much like taking multi-vitamins or doing sit-ups.

What are you and your boyfriend doing outside of your compartmentalized appointments to remain emotionally fused and passionate? I’m actually not as concerned about the lack of sex, per se, as the lack of “much-else,” that goes right along with it. No wonder the scheduled session aren’t working: You’re half-heartedly going through the motions, relying on a mechanical sense of arousal to get you going, rather than a genuine desire to pleasure each other and connect intimately. In a healthy long-term relationship, desire isn’t about fulfilling a need to have sex, but rather wanting to have sex with a particular person.

Another downside of scheduled sex is that it rarely meets our expectations for intimacy, and often reinforces the sense of disconnectedness we’re trying to overcome. I’m not saying that showing up isn’t half the battle, but if that’s all you’re doing, then you’re missing out on the other half.

So why don’t you keep your one-on-one sessions on the calendar as an opportunity to spend quality time together, but remove the pressure to have sex? If you do have sex, fine, but if not, don’t sweat it.
Also, why not think about taking a personal day, or calling in sick together, and then go out and “play hookie” as a couple: Sleep in, take a long walk, a luxurious lunch (with wine), hold hands, go to the movies and just enjoy each other’s company. An hour or so a weekend after an exhausting and stressful week of work is hardly enough time to relax, let alone recharge your relationship batteries. My guess is that if you spend more unstructured, pressure-free time bonding, you will find you have more time in your busy schedules for pleasuring each other than you think.