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QUESTION: "My boyfriend wants to have oral sex with me,
and I'm both excited and nervous: excited because it's my first
time receiving it and I don't know what to expect, but also
because I've never had an orgasm during intercourse. I'm able
to orgasm when I masturbate, just not when I'm with a guy. I've
faked it in the past, but I really like my current boyfriend,
and we're talking about getting married, so I wanted to be up
front and honest. He's very enthusiastic about oral sex and
really believes that I'll be able to have an orgasm that way,
but I just don't know. The truth is that I've never let a guy
do that to me, go down, because I'm not completely comfortable
with a guy seeing, tasting and smelling me. Any thoughts?" (Lynn,
23)
ANSWER: Your boyfriend is right. You do have a much better chance of experiencing an orgasm through cunnilingus than via genital intercourse. That's because the clitoris is the powerhouse of the orgasm, and is best stimulated through persistent, rhythmic pressure.
Genital intercourse generally doesn't provide the clitoris with the stimulation necessary to take you through the process of sexual response, which is why you're able to orgasm when you masturbate.
The fact that you are able to experience an orgasm via masturbation is an extremely positive sign—if you couldn't, it would be very likely that you might not be able to come via cunnilingus either. Masturbation is the first step towards training your body and mind to work together in the production of pleasure.
So you're definitely on the right track. You're "wired" to orgasm.
- The main thing is to relax and take a pleasure-oriented approach. Don't focus on your orgasm; focus on enjoying the experience. It's great that your boyfriend is enthusiastic about cunnilingus; just make sure that he takes a pleasure-oriented approach as well, and doesn't become fixated on your orgasm.
- Make sure you've engaged in ample foreplay and that you're stimulated and ready to go. Think about the types of manual stimulation that enable you to come via masturbation.
- Don't be shy about letting him know what feels good and what doesn't—be sure to praise him when it feels good, and be constructive when it doesn't—when it comes to feedback in the area of sexual performance, the male ego bruises easily. Criticism, delivered harshly, is often the death of good sex.
Since you've never had a guy perform oral sex on you, prepare yourself for a roller coaster of physical sensations: some will feel terrific; others might feel new and strange, overwhelming, or even uncomfortable. Let him know if you want him to change what he's doing.
As for your discomfort in allowing him to see, smell and taste you, you're not alone in your shyness, and there are some easy steps you can take to help relax you:
- Incorporate a bath or shower into foreplay; light candles; let him massage you with scented oil. But also appreciate your boyfriend's eagerness and know that most men love the sight, taste and smell of the vulva and get incredibly turned on when giving cunnilingus. Hopefully, your boyfriend's enthusiasm will prove contagious and you'll be able to ease into the experience
- Relax, let go and focus on your process of sexual response. Try to get into the same frame of mind as when you masturbate. Stay in touch with your body, focus on receiving pleasure, and feel your way through the process. Most women tend to fantasize much more during oral sex than they do during intercourse, so don't be afraid to let go and let your imagination wander.
- Also know that it may take a few attempts before you're able to climax, so don't get frustrated. You may get very close, but still not come.
- Finally, if you feel that you are close to coming, but are unable to get yourself over the edge, consider masturbating yourself the final "few yards," especially since you know that you are able to come this way. We tend to think of masturbation as a private, sometimes even shameful, act, but the fact is that both men and women fantasize about watching their partners masturbate. Since you've already been open and honest enough with each other to talk freely about your inability to experience an orgasm during intercourse, you should be candid and comfortable enough in your relationship to understand the importance of masturbation. He'll most likely enjoy watching you stimulate yourself past the point of no return, especially since he helped get you 90% of the way there.
- If you're not open to masturbation, let him use his tongue to take you as far as you can get down the road of arousal, and try genital penetration in the female superior position—where you get on top and have a higher degree of control over the position of his penis, as well as the rhythm and pressure that's applied against your clitoris. A lot of women also feel more comfortable touching themselves during intercourse, so you can combine masturbation and penetration.
Above all, just try to enjoy the pleasure of cunnilingus. Even if you are unable to reach orgasm the first time around, rest assure knowing you're on the path towards experiencing one. |
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