QUESTION: "Dear Ian:

I’ve been dating a guy for a while now that I'm not really sure is right for me. I’ve been thinking of breaking up but I hate being alone. Is it really so bad if I keep seeing him until someone better comes along?"

ANSWER: “Until something better comes along—” please, how many times have I heard that before? Face facts, lady: you’re a “mean-timer” —no two ways about it. Spend enough time waiting for something better to come along and you’re going to end up like Connie:

“So I met this guy, and I knew he wasn’t right for me; but he was really persistent, and I was bored. After a while he started sleeping over. Pretty soon he was living with me, and people started asking ‘So are you engaged,’ ‘When are you getting married?’ etc, etc. No one ever asked, ‘Are you in love with him?’ and I guess I avoided asking myself. After a while, we got engaged, stayed that way for two years, and never set a date. Finally, it was clear we were both settling. So we broke up. I’d love to tell you that I met a great guy who changed my life, but the truth is last month I turned 36 and I’m still on the dating treadmill.”

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You’d be amazed how many folks have found lasting love after getting out of an “in the meantime” relationship, often within months, even weeks, of being newly single. When I ask why they stayed with someone they knew was wrong for so long, many say they did it out of obligation, for friendship, or simply due to fear of being alone.

What is it about being alone that scares the hells out of us? In clinical terms, “autophobia” is an abnormal and persistent fear of being alone. Autophobics often worry about being ignored and unloved. These days, we’re probably all a little “autophobic.” Many of us have never spent any significant period of time alone. We go from our families to college to roommates and into relationships. We’ve become good at dealing with others, but often at the expense of learning how to deal with ourselves. As Betty Friedan wrote in The Feminine Mystique, “It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself.”

“In the meantime” is the same as saying, “This is only for now. Someday things will be different.” It's like putting your life on deferral, indefinitely. Well, let me tell you: someday just arrived. Someday is right now; So get off your butt and turn “the meantime” into “real-time:” make it count, make it real. If you’re wasting your time, you may be missing out on a real chance for love. Make now matter while making the meantime meaningful.