AOL'S Book Maven

He's Really Into You -- and all women
Friday, February 18, 2005

Single women, your champion has arrived; where some writers say 'He's Just Not That Into You,' Dr. Ian Kerner answers with his new book, 'Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him, Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve.' Kerner, a Manhattan-based sex therapist and author, believes that women should change their own behavior and believe in themselves rather than adapt to men's habits. AOL's Book Maven Bethanne Patrick spoke to Kerner by telephone in his LA hotel room; he was on the West Coast to film Lifetime TV spots (he has "Kiss and tell with Dr. Ian" on the network) with comedienne Amy Sedaris.

Book Maven: I know your book is our focus, but I have to ask what it was like working with Amy Sedaris.

Ian Kerner: It was an absolute blast! I'd never met her before. Did you know she bakes cupcakes every day to sell at her corner coffee shop? We were shooting commercials for Lifetime's February movie promotion "Sex, Love & Lies." She did it because she loves Lifetime movies!

Book Maven: Now, to your book. I also have to ask: do you think, as some critics have claimed, that "Be Honest" is a "Johnny-come-lately" book?

Ian Kerner: Oh, I don't think it's a "Johnny-come-lately" book at all. 'He's Just Not That Into You' made a strong cultural statement and had an impact; I think it left women feeling powerless. To me, I'm actually replying to that book. I'm issuing a rebuttal. It's part of public discourse.

Book Maven: How did you make the decision to issue a "rebuttal?"

Ian Kerner: I wasn't intending to write this book, but single women kept saying "What do I do?" Â especially after reading 'He's Just Not That Into You.' I read the book, and started talking to women about its message. I began wondering why so many great women have such low standards when it comes to men. By the way, I thought that book was funny and clever, but I also thought it was kind of a parody in a way, that it was not meant to be taken at face value, because it was the same message over and over again.

Book Maven: What is the difference between 'He's Just Not That Into You' and 'Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him, Either?'

Ian Kerner: There were dimensions to singlehood that I wanted to consider. Their book asks women to get inside men's minds; I was more into getting women inside their own minds.

Book Maven: What are your views on modern women?

Ian Kerner: We live in the age of the 'booty call,' and women live with a double-edged sword of female sexual entitlement: by that I mean that they have been taught to believe they can have sex like men, with no strings attached but sometimes they'd probably rather have sex like women! I think today's women face some very, very compelling contradictions that men do not. I'm not a neo-conservative. I went to Brandeis  a very liberal school  and was in that "Third Wave" of feminism where I grew to adulthood believing in woman as equals who are entitled to have sex like men. But in my professional life I've seen that doesn't always work for them.

Book Maven: In your professional experience, what's the toughest dilemma single women face?

Ian Kerner: I call it "the wedding shark." There's nothing women can do to get out of its way. They get to a certain age, and the shark is in pursuit; they start second-guessing themselves and their choices. Unfortunately, some become cynical  they'll say, "I'm a professional dater now." And even more unfortunately, guys can very, very quickly pick up on that.

Book Maven: Why do men pick up on it so quickly? Because they're all commitment-phobes?

Ian Kerner: No, I think there are a lot of men out there who actually want marriage. But many, many women look at marriage/the wedding as the endpoint, rather than as a starting point. They get a bit myopic about the wedding itself. We're all afraid of being alone, but it's when you are alone that the greatest insights come. I hope that women can get more comfortable being with themselves.

Book Maven: What's the biggest mistake single women make?

Ian Kerner: A lot of women talk the talk, saying "I just want a nice guy," but they don't walk the walk: they have unrealistic expectations about Mr. Right. I believe there aren't any rules  there are choices. Sometimes by making a different choice, you find the love you deserve.

Book Maven: What's the consequence of living by rules instead of choices?

Ian Kerner: I like something my friend Lisa Jasie said: "Finding a life partner should be like buying a piece of art. You're looking for something unique, inspired, exactly right for you, and when you find it, you want to frame it carefully. Alas, many women are walking around with a frame trying to fit men into it." [Editor's note: Jasie directs public relations for The Museum of Sex in New York City.]

Book Maven: What's your advice in a nutshell?

Ian Kerner: Go ahead, read 'He's Just Not That Into You,' and enjoy  but remember two things: first, nobody, man or woman, can be reduced to a tag line. Second, it's more important for women to get inside their own heads than to get inside a man's.