New book is sassy retort to 'He's Just Not That Into You'
BY LISA FRYDMAN Staff Reporter
February 22, 2005

Last year's runaway best seller, He's Just Not That Into You, told women three things: The guy is not calling you back for a reason. He has no interest in bringing you home to meet Mom. And, he has no plans to put you ahead of "SportsCenter."

In short, the book was a wakeup call for women to get out of dead-end relationships.

Not so fast, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

"That book was clever, but it left women powerless, and accepting defeat. It was like plucking the petals off daisies: Is he into me? Is he not into me? Instead, women need to turn that equation around and say, 'Hey, am I really into him? Have I lowered my standards? Don't I deserve better?' "

Kerner, 38, married with one child, decided a firm rebuttal was in order. Hence, Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him Either (Regan Books, $19.95) was born.

Q.Why do women settle for jerks?
A. There are so many successful, educated, terrific women who have lowered their standards because they are too afraid of being alone. The wedding industry is a $50 billion shark that targets these women -- it's a societal and psychological force -- and they can't get away from this shark. I meet women all the time, who say, "No, he's not perfect. There are a list of things I'm hoping to change after we get married." The unhappiness and dissatisfaction is clear. Yet they stay with this guy anyway.

Q.How difficult is it to find love?
A. This is a time when women are told, via "Sex and the City," to go out and act on your desire -- have sex like a man, enjoy it like a man, and above all, don't feel guilty. Look, I believe that women have every right to have sex with whomever, wherever, whenever they want. But why have sex like a man? Have sex like a woman, which means to engage in a broader emotional and intimate experience. More men need to be having sex like women than women having sex like men.

Q.What is "post-orgasmic regret?"
A. Women are living in an age of regretful orgasms. It's a conflict for a lot of single women who act on their sexual desires -- one-night stands, etc. -- but afterward, their bodies object. When women hook up even casually, the hormone Oxytocin gets released, it is the so-called "cuddle hormone," which also makes us bond with babies when we breastfeed. It gets released during sex, and when it's casual, if there is nothing to cuddle with, sex becomes vacant and triggers regret. A lot of women who hook up feel crummy later on, experience a sense of sadness.

Men don't have this. When guys hook up casually, a sense of entrapment may occur. If after sex a guy wants to cuddle with you, or even if he rolls over and starts snoring, he wants to be with you. But if after sex, he's up checking his Blackberry, or organizing the CDs, he's really saying, 'Get me the hell out of here.' This is a guy who will never give you the cuddle.

Q.Are there guidelines to finding a cuddler?
A.Women need to really examine the relationship and ask, "Am I reliving a pattern here? Am I chasing Bad Boy all over again?" I meet a lot of women who talk the talk, not walk the walk. Finding the right man is not about lowering our standards but widening the vision -- really examining the compatibility factors. Dating should be like finding a great piece of art that you're struck by. Bring it home, feel it out, let it settle in before you make the purchase. Unfortunately, too many women walk around with just the frame and look for the guy to fit into it.

Q. Many women believe that men are simply commitment-phobic.
A. Sex used to be a main motivation for men to get married. Today there's easier access to have sex. And you know what, it's actually better this way. A man who wants to get married today takes a little longer because he is looking for more than just great sex -- he's seeking an emotionally sensitive partner who stimulates him intellectually and physically.

Women who think that men just want to hook up with the hot 22-year-old receptionist and are fulfilled are wrong. ... I guarantee there are a lot of good guys around who can and will love you, and treat you well.