Cosmopolitan

Sex mistakes even hot couples make: Cosmo talked booty with the author of a buzzed-about sex book. He shed light on the passion pitfalls that can sometimes snag even the most amorous duos.

* Even couples with a full-throttle sex life can hit a speed bump between the sheets. To keep you and your man moving and grooving, Cosmo talked to Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First. He clued us in on the mattress mistakes of carnally accomplished couples. Read on to find out if these erotic oopsies apply to you.

[Q] What's it like when a couple comes into your office for help?

[A] Everyone asks the same question on the first visit: Will they have to get naked? For the record, no one gets naked or has sex in my office, although many want to. You'd be surprised how many exhibitionists are out there.

[Q] Speaking of surprises, are you ever shocked by something someone says in sex therapy?

[A] I'm trained to be unbiased and sensitive to all sorts of situations.

[Q] Come on, you've never been just a little surprised?

[A] Well, all right. I'll confess. One time, I met with a guy who was only sexually satisfied when role-playing as a dog. He had a costume and liked to be walked in his yard. I assumed his girlfriend would be upset. Turned out, she liked him more as a dog than she did as a man, because he was more sexually attentive and willing to go down on her. I must admit that one threw me for a loop.

[Q] Cosmo readers want to keep their sex lives exciting. What's the number one hazard they should be aware of?

[A] Many of the couples I talk to expect sex to be mind-blowing every time. That's not possible, no matter how hot your connection. By setting the bar so high, they end up creating anxiety and limiting performance. New couples, in particular, are guilty of having unrealistic expectations. Since things are so wild at first, they expect them to always be that way, instead of seeing the value in different kinds of action--from low-energy encounters to quickies.

[Q] How can they change this way of thinking?

[A] Ditch the idea that intercourse must be the dominant act. Instead, mix things up by making foreplay the main event. The shift to oral sex and manual stimulation will force the two of you to chill out and change your expectations.

[Q] Some couples use porn to heat things up in the bedroom. Can that ever cause problems?

[A] There's nothing wrong with popping in the occasional X-rated DVD, but couples who do it every time rely on the images on-screen instead of each other to stimulate themselves. Worse still, they can get caught up in a porn version of sex called spectatoring, where they watch themselves more than they participate. Women fake intense motoring, and guys feel the need to try 10 positions in 10 minutes, like in the movies. The truth is, those films are a fantasy that has little to do with the way people really behave in bed. When a couple's lust life becomes all about theatrics rather than emotions, it loses meaning.

[Q] Is there any hope for a porn-addicted pair?

[A] If this sounds like you and your guy, your best bet is to put the flicks aside and clue each other into other desires--places on your body that you'd like to be touched or naughty words you want to hear whispered in your ear. This will shift the spotlight back to your true needs and his too.

[Q] We've received lots of e-mails lately from women whose boyfriends are begging for a threesome. Is it ever a good idea?

[A] It can be if the woman agrees for the right reasons. All too often, though, she says she'll do it because she feels intense pressure from her guy. The results are usually disastrous. Even the most secure woman has a hard time seeing her man having sex with someone else.

[Q] Getting back to those right reasons to have a threesome--we didn't know there were any. Please enlighten us.

[A] If a woman has always fantasized about having a threesome or if she feels excited by the idea of fulfilling her man's fantasy, then it's worth considering. The important thing is to talk it out thoroughly. The more details they work out beforehand, the more likely it is that the situation will go smoothly.

[Q] The upside to a fight is the steamy sack session that sometimes follows. But some couples take this dynamic to an extreme. What's up with that?

[A] Since yelling and screaming gets our blood pumping, it can act as a form of foreplay. Whenever a pair of hotheads want to up the sexual ante, they pick a fight and let the games begin. Over time, this habit can chip away at the intimate bond between two people.

[Q] Your advice?

[A] Replace the feuding with activities that give you both the same rush but without the stress. Develop a risk-taking mentality. Have a sexy private moment in a public place, or engage in a little playful exhibitionism. These experiences will feed your fiery spirits while keeping your lust and love alive.

[Q] She Comes First created quite a hoopla, and you have a sequel, He Comes Next, due out later this year. Sum up the philosophy behind your books.

[A] In my practice, I talked to hundreds of women whose men didn't know how to please them. So I wrote She Comes First to promote what I call "sexual cliteracy." Most guys are sexually "ill-cliterate," and my hope is to level the playing field in the exchange of orgasms. As for He Comes Next, the book will build on the same female-focused philosophy. In the first episode of Sex and the City, Carrie posed the question "In an age when women have access to the same money and opportunities as men, can they have sex like men too?" But I think women can do better: They can show men how to have sex like women.

Every Man's Must-Read

Tell your guy to put down the remote and pick up She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

Nooky by Numbers

When it comes to lust, sometimes less is more.

Some erotically ambitious couples focus on quantity over quality, says sexpert Ian Kerner. They're so hell-bent on doing it as much as possible, you'd think they were aiming for The Booty World Records Book. But the law of diminishing returns applies to the bedroom too. "Anticipation enhances desire," he points out. "So having sex too often can cause that desire to fade."

The sex Rx: Ask yourself if there are any hidden pressures that create this need for frequency. "You may be caught up in a subconscious competition with another couple or trying to live up to a standard you've set for yourself," he says. Next, hold off on the hanky-panky for a few days, When you reconnect, the sexual spark will be smoking.