Get a grip!
Sure, it stinks getting dumped.
But keep the sob stories to a minimum
By JO PIAZZA
Published: March 16, 2006

She's come undone: Dumped Teri Hatcher seemed desperate as she bared her soul in Vanity Fair.

Over it: Once-weepy Jennifer Aniston told Vogue she's 'tired' of the breakup buzz.
There's nothing worse than a breakup. You feel lost, abandoned, consume gallons of peanut butter chunk ice cream and cry hysterically for days. And all of that is healthy and normal.

But some women take it to extremes.

When Teri Hatcher revealed to Vanity Fair this month that she recently had her heart broken by someone she calls "the Mystery Man," she did more than just dish.
During the course of her interview with the mag, she chronicles the cad's deception (he wooed her, made her feel secure, then he dumped her and disappeared - leading her to purchase a cliched copy of "He's Just Not That Into You"), then hits rock bottom, spilling the painful, secrets of her past (including a childhood molestation).

And while her revelations were shocking, many readers were also shocked that a grown woman in the throes of a breakup found herself pouring out a torrent of emotion to - of all people - a journalist.

Rejection can make a girl, well, a little desperate.

Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University has spent a lifetime trying to track the chemical impulses that lead us to love in the first place and, after many years of research, has found that "Romantic love and abandonment rage are well connected in the brain," she writes in "Why We Love," her book on the subject. "Women are far less likely to maim and murder when they are jealous of a rival and fearful of abandonment. They tend to berate themselves for their own inadequacies and try to lure and seduce instead, hoping to recapture their mate's affections and rebuild the relationship."

And that is where the crazy comes out of the box.

Hell hath no fury ...

One time, in high school, I put the teddy bear my boyfriend had given me for Valentine's Day under the back tire of his Mustang convertible. This was okay when I was 15 - not so much in adulthood.

But try telling that to anyone who has just been given the boot.

"After my bad breakup with Robert, I marched right out to the local bar, grabbed my ex-boyfriend and took him home with me. The next morning, I was so mortified I pretended I had an early test just to get him out of my bed," Jackie, a 25-year old lawyer, tells us (women interviewed for the story requested their first names be used).

Some women make abrupt physical changes.

"I got two tattoos in one day after my ex dumped me," Stacey, 32, recalls. "The Japanese symbol for faith and a tribal butterfly."

But causing pain to yourself can be counter-productive. As can others lashing out at your exes.

"When John broke up with me last year, he was stupid enough not to change his password on any of his accounts - E-mail, voice-mail, IM, bank pin. It's all the same password," Sarah, 26, says. "The day he broke up with me was the first time I ever checked his E-mail account. I used to keep tabs on him to see who he was talking to and what he was saying about me to his parents and friends."

Sabrina, 25, showed up at her ex-boyfriend's house months after their breakup and started screaming in front of him and his new girlfriend. When she left, she broke every mirror in the house.

"Rage, anger, jealously, stalking the person, writing to a person's new girlfriend, you do it as a way of staying in that person's life - and the only way you can remain in that person's life is being a negative force," says Dr. Ian Kerner, author of "Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either." "Being in someone's life even if it is in a negative way sometimes makes the woman feel better."

At the end of the day, class wins above all else. It may not win you back your man, but it will win you back your dignity.

Take a page from Jennifer Aniston's book; the divorced actress seemed ready to throw her own pity party. But this month, in a Vogue interview, she recovered.

"I'm so tired of being part of this sick, twisted Bermuda Triangle," she said in the mag. "It makes my skin crawl. ... All I can do is go on and live my life."

If Jen, publicly replaced by the most beautiful woman on the planet, can recover, so can you.

Turn off the Chaka Khan and put the cap on the vodka.

Moving along...

Tips from Dr. Ian Kerner for getting over it:
1. It's okay to go back to that person who broke up with you and seek a rational explanation, but not with the aim of changing that person's mind. Ask so that you have closure, then leave it alone.
2. Study after study shows that love is like an addiction. Keeping in touch with the person just keeps feeding the addiction and creates a cycle of ups and downs. Like breaking any habit, you need to go through a real purging.
3. Keep yourself as busy as possible with work and family and new activities.
4. In a relationship, you've been disconnected from the world around you. Rebuild networks of friends with whom you may have lost touch during your relationship.
5. Casual sex after a breakup can be a good thing, but going back to an ex can be dangerous. Watch out for situations where you are trying to mask your pain and grief.

Go ahead and cry if...

It was reported last week that Jessica Simpson was dumped by rumored paramour Adam Levine via text message (yeeowch). Sometimes, it's okay to freak out. Here, some real-life stories of bad, bad breakups. We won't fault you for drinking yourself to sleep.

"When I was younger, more naive, and a bit meaner, I would break up with girls through their friends sometimes. And once I actually said to a girl, 'You're dumped!'"

Tony, 26, upper East Side

"When I was about 14, I dated a senior. We had been going out for about three days and hadn't even kissed yet. If I was an adult, I could have dealt with it. So I broke up with him on Valentine's Day by giving him a card. On the front it said, 'This relationship is like a rotten egg,' and on the inside there was a picture of an egg with the smell coming off of it, and it said, 'It stinks!' I feel bad now, but I know that he's fine. He's in the Army."

Linda (not real name), 33, Ridgewood, Queens

"I was dating a guy for a few months, and the Army sent him to Germany. It wasn't really serious - it was a budding relationship - but I wasn't ready for it to end. Anyway, he sent me an E-mail telling me he was engaged to some woman in Germany with two kids! Needless to say, that was a bit of a surprise."

Kathleen Clarke, 25, Sound Beach, L. I.

Jenny Clevstrom & Nicole Lyn Pesce