Solving crimes of the heart
By Sheba R. Wheeler
Denver Post Staff Writer

When a romantic relationship fails, people are quick to identify a victim and a perpetrator.

But a new dating handbook strives to prove that circumstances are never that clearly defined when dealing with "crimes of the heart."

Popular culture's obsession with criminal dramas such as "CSI" and "Forensic Files" blends seamlessly with sex therapy in the humorous new book "DSI: Date Scene Investigation. The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders."

Using fun "Law & Order" lingo, clinical sexologist Ian Kerner introduces readers to cases involving common dating crimes that must be dissected by the DSI. The DSI team is a top-secret unit within the FBI (that's the Federal Bureau of Intimacy), which investigates dating dilemnas, giving readers "unprecedented access to previously classified relationship rap sheets."

Interpersonal infractions. Mating misdemeanors. Flirtatious felonies.

Forensic tools are used to decipher cases that range from Homosexualis Closetus, or the boyfriend who might be gay, to commitment phobias such as FOCCed UP, or Fear of Committment Compounded by Underlying Pressures.

But Kerner warns this isn't a rule book. The "Sex Doctor to Generations X and Y" just wants to help give civilians the tools to understand what role both parties may have played in their crime of passion so relationships are no longer unsolved mysteries.

Q: How is your dating manual different from others?
A: So many dating books try to be cut and dried. They tell you about rules. I just wanted to have some fun. Dating can sometimes be taken lightly. Comedy has historically provided a fun-house mirror for our own problems.

Q: How did you come up with the concept to blend romantic advice with a criminal investigation?
A: I'm a big fan of "CSI," and culturally we are obsessed with shows like that. I wanted to bring some of that same line of thinking into our own lives and relationships. What would a date scene look like as opposed to a crime scene? You'd have bruised emotions, shattered expectations. So many people already see themselves as being dating victims anyway. The main reason I wrote this book was to let people know they were not victims if they choose to investigate, look at different perspectives and confront the evidence right in front of their eyes.

A lot of people will confront the same issues and problems, over and over, again and again. They date new people, the same issue resurfaces, and they begin to see themselves as victims. But they are partially responsible for repeating the same actions and behaviors that play a huge role in why their relationship didn't work in the first place.

Q: What is the most common dating crime?
A: Certainly men and women who are afraid to commit. I meet a lot of singles doing online dating who tell me that they could be sitting across a table from someone who seems great, but they can't help but wonder if somebody better will pop up in their inbox. It's easier to either second guess your past, romanticize relationships that didn't work or think about what might be awaiting you online than to deal with what's in front of you. In a culture driven by Hollywood, the standards we have for what we are looking for in a mate are all very high. I'm all for setting your standards high and having goals, but not doing so unrealistically to the point where you will never commit.

Q: Why does your sex therapist practice focus on issues affecting young couples and singles in their 20s and 30s?
A: I started doing this when I was younger and a built a practice based on young couples to happen to have a lot of needs. So many get divorced within the first five years of their marriage. Marriage is an institution we value in this country, but it's very fragile in the beginning. There is a real need out there to educate, communicate and work with young couples and singles.

Q: Is it true that one of the most prevalent problems among couples is not being able to talk openly about sex?
A: Not only is it true, but it's ironic and also sad that people can be living together, married and comfortable discussing so many different things in their lives, but leave this very important element of sexual expression out of the dialogue. Everyone is afraid of being judged or not seeming normal. In our culture, sex is all around us in the media, fashion and entertainment. We are all about sex, but only in the image of sex and the fashion of sex. We hardly ever have meaningful discussions about sexuality because we are still a fairly Victorian, puritanical society. We have a lot of questions about sex, but there are still a lot of barriers to really communicating openly about sex.

Q: How has sex changed the nature of our relationships throughout the generations?
A: Typically in our age of casual sex, sex is no longer a really powerful motivator to be in a relationship as it once was. Lust doesn't get the chance to develop into genuine romantic attraction. I remember talking to my grandfather about the pursuit of sex when he was younger. He said it used to be simple. He wanted to have sex with my grandmother, so he pursued her and married her so he could have sex with her. Today, people are hooking up and then they go their separate ways. The great thing that people are missing today is that when you take sex off the table as a powerful motivator, you can focus on qualities that are more meaningful for a long-lasting relationship - emotional compatibility, psychological compatibility, not just how good you are in bed together. A lot of women feel like they are living in a episode of "The Bachelor." They think that if they don't sleep with the guy, there's a long line of other women who are just as pretty, successful and charismatic who will. It's hard to not give in to that kind of pressure.

Staff writer Sheba R. Wheeler can be reached at 303-820-1283 or swheeler@denverpost.com.