Survey: Half of Women Wouldn't Remarry Spouse

Thursday , January 04, 2007

This is a partial transcript of "The Big Story With John Gibson," January 3, 2007, that has been edited for clarity.

JOHN GIBSON, HOST: Today's "Big Talker" is real life, not on TV. Blissful brides turned bitter.

A new survey by Woman's Day magazine and AOL shows that many housewives are getting desperate. More than half of 3,000 married women polled said they would not marry their current husband if they had to do it over.

With me now are relationship experts Ian Kerner and Dr. Debra Mandel. So Ian, what am I supposed to make of this?

IAN KERNER, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT: Well, I mean, I think it's consistent with the fact that we live in a culture where nearly one out of two marriages end in divorce. Nearly two out of three remarriages end in divorce. And I think what this study is reinforcing is that people want lifelong love, they want everlasting happiness. But we keep making mistakes over and over again on both sides of the gender gap.

GIBSON: Dr. Mandel, does this surprise you about women?

DR. DEBRA MANDEL, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT: It doesn't surprise me that much. I mean, unfortunately a lot of times people do grow apart when they have been together for a while. They don't make the effort to really solidify and develop their relationship as a team. And so it doesn't surprise me that a lot of women would be very unhappy, but sometimes too lazy to do anything about it.

GIBSON: Well let's reinforce the point and show you on the screen what this study showed:

Would you marry your husband again? Yes, 44 percent. I supposed that is encouraging. But when you add up the next two: No, 36 percent. And "I'm not so sure," 20 percent. You get more than half. Is that 56 percent of women who answered as they did: no or I'm not sure. Are they headed for a divorce?

KERNER: Well I think the first step is an issue that I often deal with in my practice is emotional infidelity where you divert emotional resources out of your relationship and into other relationships with other people — often men of the opposite sex — and you might not be having a sexual relationship but there's definitely a flirtation there. And I think emotional infidelity is a huge problem in this country right now.

GIBSON: Dr. Mandel, do you agree?

MANDEL: Oh absolutely, and it can start with such a subtle little slip. You just have a nice flirtation at a party and it makes you get excited. You start to think that, oh I'm not dead inside. And then a lot of times women and men will take it to the next level and they'll even talk about having sex with someone else. They may not actually cross that line, but it's real easy to get tempted.

GIBSON: Ian, this study doesn't tell us anything about men, but would I assume the numbers are the same?

KERNER: Yes, well I mean what the study does show is that many women, one out of two women know that their husbands have cheated on them.

GIBSON: That's what this is?

KERNER: In this study and that is a true statistic, one out of two men do cheat in marriage. What this study showed that was surprising is that 39 percent of women flirt constantly. So you are sort of looking at a cheating time bomb. And if anything, the cheating gap between the genders is narrowing, not widening. And my conclusion is, hey, women are just starting to be more like men in their relationships. You know, women are as educated as ever, often have financial independence, are going to the workplace and they want the same attention, the same love and affection that men are seeking.

GIBSON: Dr. Mandel, is that what this is all about? That the bottom of this is all about cheating?

MANDEL: Well it is somewhat about cheating. I'm not sure that, you know, even though some people are unhappy won't cheat, but they won't necessarily do something to help themselves become happy. But a lot of times as women get older they feel more confident, they feel more independent so they actually would be saying on this study that they really feel more entitled to have the happiness that they think they deserve. Whereas a lot of women when they get married when they're young, they're not very confident, they don't really know what they want. They are more likely to settle for something. But I think they want equal rights in all areas of life now and so they are going to be more willing to say that they are not happy.

GIBSON: All right, heads up guys. Relationship experts Ian Kerner and Dr. Debra Mandel, thanks to both of you.

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