Flirtatious felonies? Two singles seeking relationship help go on the record with date scene investigator Ian Kerner
BY JILL BAUER

Ian Kerner, sex therapist and bestselling author of Be Honest -- Your'e Not That Into Him Either, recently focused on millions of confounded singletons.

As the host for Cosmo Radio on the Sirius Network and one of AOL's Love & Sex coaches, Kerner, a veritable Lt. Columbo of romance, explores a wide range of real-life dating scenarios in his new book DSI: Date Scene Investigation, The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders (Regan Books/HarperCollins, $24.95).

A quick perusal of the warning-sign yellow DSI jacket informs us that we will be introduced to the FBI (Federal Bureau of Intimacy) and that we will boldly go where no civilian has gone before. ''Kerner ventures above the law and beneath the covers,'' we are told. And that we ``have the right not to remain silent.''

We persuaded two South Florida daters to participate in our very own DSI experiment. As luck would have it, they did not remain silent. Before each of our 911 three-way calls to Kerner, both subjects enthusiastically read DSI.

Our conversations were detailed and lengthy but we heeded our editor's request -- and Joe Friday's -- to offer up ``just the facts, ma'am.''

Optimistic despite commitment fears

Interrogation of Joanna Popper, 33, marketing executive:
Ian Kerner: If you were calling 911 what would your most urgent dating question be?
Joanna Popper: I tend to have these long, intense relationships and we never want to move forward.
Ian: Do you think you're commitment phobic?
Joanna: I think I am definitely commitment phobic. Me and them and that's why I choose them.
Ian: What allows you to enter into a relationship and then at some point bail?
Joanna: I always wonder if I want to be married to that person.
Ian: Who was the last guy you dated and what brought you together and what pulled you apart?
Joanna: The most recent guy I met in Landmark (Education). He lived in Philadelphia. We were in class together and he talked about moving here.
Ian: Did you get jittery?
Joanna: I am never clear that I want to be with them forever. I find things wrong with them. I want to change them. He wasn't clear about his professional aspirations. He had no idea what he was doing.
Ian: How do you generally meet people?
Joanna: When I'm single I'm very active, I go out a lot. Right now I'm single and I want to date.
Ian: What are your relationship goals?
Joanna: I want to get married and have kids.
Ian: What makes you fall for a guy?
Joanna: There definitely needs to be a physical connection. And something else. An emotional and intellectual connection. In my last relationship that connection was lost. We both liked outdoor activities, boating, politics. But then I wasn't excited about his spiritual path. His interests changed, he started to follow a guru and it wasn't my interest to go live near a spiritual guru.
Ian: You're an extremely active, social, successful, together person and you're trying to attract the same sort of people. You're choosing guys who are having identity crises, career crises, spiritual crises. There's an energy about someone who's breaking down or figuring things out.
Joanna: I don't think it's so obvious when I meet them. Like the guru guy. It took me a few months to figure that out.
Ian: Sounds like you want someone who's their own person, who's more of a partner.
Joanna: I have an MBA, I work and I don't have an interest in supporting my whole family.
Ian: It sounds like you're kind of a career counselor, a guidance counselor. It's a role you play very naturally and very well. Could you let somebody care for you? Could you let somebody be in charge for a little bit?
Joanna: That might be an issue. I had a boyfriend who made it clear that he'd handle everything but I am very social and I know about things going on.
Ian: What are your attitudes about dating?
Joanna: Overall, I'm optimistic. I always have lots of dates. I don't have an attitude that this is the wrong city. I think that if you want a relationship you'll find it.
Ian: Do you have a physical type?
Joanna: Tall. All my boyfriends are different looks but they're all tall. And they're all classically somewhat good looking.
Ian: If you had to say what all of these guys had in common what would that be?
Joanna: Identity or career meltdowns. They all had it.

THE 911 ANALYSIS
Ian: You are minutes away from your relationship. You go out a lot and you seem to know what you want. There's probably a side of you based on your childhood to guide people, to be the strong one and a side of you that's not being nurtured. You're finding yourself in relationships that play to your strengths and you need to find a place where you're being fed. I'd probably raise my standards in terms of whom I date. That guy is out there that has the strength and the looks.