If more men know what’s under the hood of a car
than the hood of a clitoris, surely a revolution is needed.
Enthusiast Paul Ford interviews Ian Kerner, sex therapist
and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide
to Pleasuring a Woman.
In 1997, Ian Kerner was my supervisor at
an ‘internet strategy’ firm that evaporated in
the dot-com crash. I hadn’t heard from him in years,
but a few months ago, I asked a mutual friend what Ian was
up to.
Ian, I learned, had left the internet behind
to become a sex therapist (Ph.D. Sexology, American Academy
of Clinical Sexologists). He’d married, had a son, and
was also about to publish the definitive guide to the theory
and practice of cunnilingus. My friend had just read a draft.
‘I thought I was skilled,’ my friend said. He
looked into the middle distance. ‘But I learned a lot.’
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s
Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (HarperCollins) is billed
as a ‘sexual manifesto that inspires men to give and
empowers women to receive.’ It’s Kerner’s
attempt to seed a new sexual revolution, one with a focus
on female sexual entitlement. In 47 short chapters with titles
like ‘The Cunnilinguist Manifesto’ and ‘Think
Outside Her Box,’ the book seeks to be the first mass-market
philosophical, cultural, and scientific guide to the clitoris.
(And make no mistake, it’s all about the clitoris.)
I caught up with Ian at Terra 47 on 12th Street in Manhattan
to discuss his career shift, and followed up via email.
The Morning News: Why The
Thinking Man’s Guide? This implies that men can
think when it comes to sex, which is at best a hypothesis. Ian Kerner: I think most guys know more about
what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of
a clitoris. I want to see men shift their behaviors and become
‘cliterate.’
TMN: Isn’t this kind
of Our Bodies, Ourselves? Do women really want men
who are vagina-centric? The sort of men who wear sweaters
and have little beards and cry? IK: All right, yes, I draw a lot from pioneers
in feminist thought and sexual understanding. But most feminist
thinking about sexuality circulates within a narrow circle
of influence. It’s often stereotyped as being shrill,
but there are many powerful ideas that I think men will get
excited about, which is one of the reasons I wrote the book.
TMN: So men will get better
play if they change their approach. IK: Yes. Knowledge and technique can demystify
the female orgasm, which is good for everyone. But to get
there, guys have to break through the ‘intercourse-discourse’
and start thinking in new ways about sexual pleasure. If I
could, I’d declare June Sexual Cliteracy Month, make
a holiday out of it.
TMN: We could have a parade
down Broadway to celebrate, right? Mayor Bloomberg is wearing
a pink fedora, and you have these huge vulva floats, and the
fire department is keeping everything wet. IK: [waits patiently]
TMN: I’d hate to
clean up after, though. Anyway, OK. This started with your
struggle with premature ejaculation. IK: Yes. I’m a premature ejaculator.
Was, am – it’s sort of like being an alcoholic.
You can manage it, and achieve sexual health and contentment,
but it’s always tempered with self-control.
