TMN: All right. We’re
clean, we’re tidy, and we’ve inserted a tampon.
Actually, maybe ‘we’ haven’t, although I’m
sure there’s a chat room for that. In any case, set
the scene.
IK: First, there are different comfort levels
with light. Men tend to like seeing what’s going on,
and women like the dark. Candlelight is a good compromise.
TMN: Smooths out the wrinkles, hides the
missing limbs.
IK: The position that works best is flat
on the back, legs six to nine inches apart, not too far. Not
too much arch in the back, because arching the back inhibits
blood flow and cuts off breathing. A pillow under the ass
makes it easier to find things.
TMN: And for him?
IK: A pillow under the forearms. You want
your bodies in a straight line, and comfortable. You should
be able to lick for a long stretch.
TMN: You advise using the
gums, which was news.
IK: You want to think about Elvis Presley
and snarl. Your upper gum is firmer than your lip, so she
can press into it and maintain the persistent clitoral contact
necessary for orgasm. There are different parts of the mouth
that work better on different parts of the genitals. I’ve
got a breakdown of the 10 hot spots and what to do in the
book.
TMN: How should one address
the taint?
IK: The perineum, Paul, between the fourchette
and the anus. Tongue strokes, fingertip pressure, and fingertip
squeezes. Use your thumb and index finger.
TMN: And going further
down, there’s this little thing you can do with your
thumb, I call it the ‘tub stopper.’
IK: Indeed, indeed. The anus is connected
to the clitoris through nerve fibers and tissue and contracts
as well during orgasm. A little anal stimulation goes a long
way. Let me be clear, we’re not talking about anal sex
but a wee bit of the finger. But make sure to use a clean
finger and keep it away from her vulva – you don’t
want to introduce any bacteria f
rom the anal region into her vagina.
TMN: Is there a downside
to all this going down?
IK: You may lose a bit of the enamel on your
teeth – you know, from erosion – but thinning
teeth aside, no, there’s no real risk.
TMN: I think that’ll
get everybody started.
IK: Just remember to think clitorally rather
than vaginally, and to focus on stimulation rather than penetration.
TMN: Will do. Overall,
I noticed this very literary approach in the book to eating
pussy.
IK: The book’s structure is loosely
based on Strunk and White’s Elements of Style. I like
to think of myself as a grammarian – sorting out the
rules of what should be every man’s native tongue.
TMN: Ouch. And you suggest
going down to poetry.
IK: Yes, I suggest ‘literary licks’
as a creative exercise. Shakespeare, for example. There is
no better audience for the Great Bard than a vulva. Most of
his plays are in verse, specifically in iambic pentameter.
The rhythm is simple and straightforward: da-dum, da-dum,
da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, as in ‘Shall I/com-pare/thee
to/a sum/mer’s day?’
TMN: This idea could transform
high school English. Not to mention reader-response theory.
IK: Faulkner and Joyce are also worth considering.
TMN: Probably not so much
Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath. I can’t really imagine
reciting ‘Daddy’ to my girlfriend’s precious
flower. ‘A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen… Daddy,
you can lie back now.’
IK: Well, probably not, but the principle
holds. I’d love to hear from readers about any creative
cunnilingus techniques based on literary styles. They can
email me at ian@shecomesfirst.com and I’ll put the submissions
up on my site. Maybe we’ll do a reading. Things are
getting showy these days at places like KGB – we can
put the ‘happy ending’ in the Happy Ending Series.
TMN: Now, as a man, I like
to bring everything back to the penis. But you seem to be
saying to forget about it.
IK: Even if I did write the Cunnilinguist
Manifesto, I’m not promoting a Stalinist purge on the
penis. And it’s not like men will ever forget about
their penises. The point is, she doesn’t just come first,
she comes again and again. There’s plenty of time for
the penis to get into the action.
TMN: Thank God. And you’re
out here preaching to the tongue-tied proletariat.
IK: Sort of. Unfortunately, the new sexual
revolution won’t be televised, if the FCC has anything
to do with it. Everyone’s a bit confused about what
can and can’t be said. I had been booked on the Sharon
Osbourne show, but then her producers called to say that given
the current climate they couldn’t even say the title
of my book on their show. Which is sort of absurd when you
think that the first words out of my son’s mouth will
likely be ‘erectile disorder,’ based on all the
commercials for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra that have been
propagating the airwaves.
TMN: Is your wife worried
about your book tour? I’d be concerned to let my husband
travel the country as a cunnilingus expert.
IK: I have a fantastic relationship with
my wife. If cunnilingus is ‘mouth music,’ she’s
my Stradivarius. I dedicated the book to her, and quote a
line from Gone With the Wind that I think every man should
make a mantra of – ‘You should be kissed, and
often, and by someone who knows how.’ Vive la Vulva!
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s
Guide to Pleasuring a Woman is published by HarperCollins.
Paul Ford lives in Brooklyn. He writes Ftrain.
PUBLISHED AT THEMORNINGNEWS.ORG ON 25 May 2004
Copyright © 2005 The Morning News Corp. All rights reserved.
ISSN #1544-1490
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