The Flipside: You Were Never That Into Him,
But the Sex Made You Think You Were

“I can sleep with a great looking moron who can barely spell, and be aware of what I’m doing, but a day or so later, I’m beginning to fantasize about picking out china patterns with the guy. It’s crazy, but it happens every time I sleep with someone.”
--Michelle, 28, PR executive, New York City

Michele’s situation raises a point that we’ll cover in greater detail in the next chapter—that men and women have sex in very different ways. In many cases, even when a woman is intellectually aware that she is not into the guy, somehow an emotional bond is formed. Some of this is due to the double standard that turns into remorse for “putting out” with a false belief that there was actually something more going on. Sometimes, the “liking” him feeling is really just an emotional justification for not liking him at all, but still sleeping with him.

Some of it is chemical. When we have sex with someone new, there’s a natural increase in certain hormones that tilt you toward caring about the person. Whether it was casual or not, sex causes the release of dopamine (the same chemical that’s released in addicts, as well as writers working on severe deadline). Dopamine causes excitement and focus. In addition, whether the sex led to orgasm or not, oxytocin is also emitted (no, that’s not the stuff Rush Limbaugh was using). This is a very potent hormone that causes a woman to feel attached to the object she just slept with (even if he is a jerk who cannot spell “oxytocin” The point is this: You can treat sex lightly, but it doesn’t reciprocate. Sex matters. There are biological and evolutionary forces at work every time you have sex, so just be honest with yourself about why you’re doing it in the first place.