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Do-It-Yourself Sex Therapy
Ian Kerner Takes the Mystery out of the Psychoanalysist's Couch
by Ann M. (Read more Real Person Reviews)
I didn't think Ian Kerner was the kind of author I'd appreciate. Although he's a best-selling sex and relationships writer, I was put off by his cameo TV appearances, his penchant for hot-pink book covers, and his uncanny ability to turn sex writing into money (After CSI become popular, he published Dating Scene Investigation, a "diagnostic manual" of dating disorders). All in all, Kerner's popular image suggested a writer of women's romance novels as much as a serious nonfiction author.
One day, shopping for a coming-of-age gift for a young friend, I picked up a copy of Kerner's 2004 book She Comes First, and almost immediately changed my opinion. Contrary to his media image, Ian Kerner is a gifted writer with a broad spectrum of knowledge and deep insights into sex and relationships. He's the best sex writer I have ever encountered (quite possibly the best of his generation), and he tailors his writing so that it has extremely wide appeal.
Kerner's work avoids the easy mistakes of most sex manuals: there are no catalogs of impossible sex positions (anatomically speaking, he says, there are only three); there's no disembodied, parental voice dispensing intimate advice (instead, Kerner bares his own humiliating experiences as a sex therapy patient), and most importantly, there is no large collection of sex facts, lacking synthesis or interpretation. Kerner has a firm grip on anatomy and physiology, but he also understands that sex isn't all about the physical. It's more about what's in our minds-- our psychology, cultural background, genetics, and evolutionary history. I get the feeling that Ian Kerner knows what really makes us tick as sexual beings.
With his newest book, Sex Detox, Kerner offers what many of us could use but few would avail ourselves of-- several sessions of helpful and revealing sex therapy. Instead of visiting a live therapist, we are guided by Kerner in the form of a self-help manual. Sex Detox is designed to accommodate singles who are dating, partners who want therapy together, or coupled people whose partners are not interested in therapy. (Kerner is clear about red flags, such as past trauma, which indicate a need to put down his book and find a live therapist).
Sex Detox is modeled partly on a 12-step program. There are daily exercises and writings to complete, and the plan asks abstinence from dating (if you are single) or sex (if you are coupled) for 30 days. Following the full course involves an assessment of your physical health, childhood experiences, and dating experiences. Last, but most challenging, is a section on finding your own "love map" (otherwise known as your psycho-sexual template). This is the unique combination of physical and psychological factors that turn you on or off (or, in some cases, both). Our "love maps", it seems, are important because they come from deep within our psyche (the same place accessed by working artists), providing the raw material crucial to keeping sex creative and fresh in a long-term relationship.
I decided give Kerner's "Couples' Detox" a try. My husband wasn't interested (the book's pink cover suggests that Kerner doesn't expect many male recruits), so I embarked alone. I didn't want to create a diary I had to hide, so in lieu of the written exercises, I thought carefully about the questions (for a day or two, if needed) and formulated my answers without writing them down.
The resulting analysis of my issues seems right-on: repression from a Catholic upbringing (such a surprise), coupled with an inborn tendency to analyze things rather than live in the moment. When was time to write about past erotic or "peak" experiences, with an eye towards drawing my love map, I was embarrassed. I could remember great sex, bad sex, fantasies, and crushes, but no single erotic experience stood out as unique, a smooth blending of my mental and physical eros. I'm still not sure if I lack peak experiences, or I missed them simply by not being fully in the moment.
The "Singles' Detox" involves some of the same elements as the Couples' Detox (for instance, an assessment of your health and childhood experiences), but also takes a careful look at dating habits and the unproductive patterns into which we fall.
However, no matter how carefully Kerner words his questions, he can't expect his single readers to objectively analyze themselves. He might have done well to include an objective personality assessment, such as the Myers-Briggs test, in the Singles' Detox. Besides offering objective personality information, this test offers other information that seems crucial to deciding how and where to look for potential mates. For example, how common is your personality type? Which professions have a high frequency of people with your personality?
I think Ian Kerner probably deserves his billing as "America's Sex Doctor". Although he's a best-selling author with broad appeal, he's clearly not in his line of work just for the money, and he is quick to provide free help and advice when he sees a need. A couple of email questions sent to his web site resulted in prompt and helpful replies from Kerner himself.
One of the things Ian Kerner is clearly trying to accomplish is to introduce some Eastern-style mindfulness into our Western relationships. He deserves credit for taking on this gargantuan task. Kerner perceives, and rightly so, that mindfulness would help couples appreciate each other on a daily basis and make them more likely to stick together in hard times. In addition, Kerner's gentle introduction to the relationship between our unconscious mind and our sexual selves strikes just the right note. Although this material is clearly Freudian in origin, the manner in which it's presented is more intriguing than threatening. This is stuff we all need to know in order to have a creative relationship and sex life.
Ian Kerner is a man who has found his Tao, his way, and his mission in life. His work benefits us all, and I hope we will appreciate Sex Detox for the gift that it is.
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