When we think of sexual firsts, most of us recall the most
monumental one of all: losing our virginity. But couples encounter
sex-life milestones all the time. What about the first time
you had makeup sex? Or your initial attempt to make love when
you were hugely pregnant? (If you and he figured that puzzler
out, you can conquer just about anything!) The fact is, navigating
sexual speed bumps together can boost your communication and
teamwork skills, and keep your bedroom routine from feeling,
well, routine, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest
‑- You're Not That into Him Either. Sounds good
in theory, but how the heck can you transform your guy's saying
no to sex (what?) from a rejection to a bonding moment? To
find out, we asked experts ‑- and women who've been
there ‑- to share success strategies.
The First Time You're Trying to Conceive
Simone, 33, and her husband, Michael, of Oklahoma City,
have had plenty of great sex. They've made love in a canoe
under the stars. They've done it in a car. But the most amazing
sex they ever had was the first time they were trying to conceive.
"It was unbelievably exciting," Simone recalls. "Michael whispered,
'You wanna make a baby?' For the first time, sex had a purpose.
We were working together for a greater goal. It gave the term
'making love' new meaning."
Conception sex can be the most mind-blowing action you'll
ever experience, says sex educator Lou Paget, author of Hot
Mamas. "This is sex that could literally change your lives,"
she says. "It's a very powerful thing, conceiving life together:
your child!" It can also feel liberating to ditch your birth
control, as Shelly, 37, of Glendale, California, found out.
"Our normal method of protection was condoms, so we both loved
not using them," she says. "It almost felt like we were being
bad by having unprotected sex!"
But let's face it: Although "let's make a baby" sex can be
exhilarating, it can also feel superplanned ("We've got to
have sex Tuesday night!"). To keep conception nooky from seeming
like a chore, Paget recommends being playful. "You could bring
a feather duster into the bed," she says. "Or get busy in
the kitchen, front seat or backyard. I know of many babies
who were conceived on the bathroom floor!"
Still, when "Mission: Conception" drags on, it can be hard
to stay spontaneous in the sack. One solution? Separate baby
sex (when you're ovulating) from sensual sex that's all about
pleasure and connection, suggests Laura Berman, Ph.D., coauthor
of Secrets of the Sexually Satisfied Woman. "For example,
have baby sex in the bedroom, but sensual sex other places
in the house," she advises. "This helps ensure you and he
don't associate sex with pressure or any past disappointments
of not getting pregnant."
The First Time You Do It at Your Parents' House
As soon as you've walked down the aisle and said "I do," you're
married, but some couples don't feel officially hitched until
they've survived that first overnight visit to their parents'
house and slept in the same bed. Gulp. "The first night my
husband and I had sex in my old bedroom after we were married,
it was clumsy at best," recalls Consuela, 33, of Melbourne,
Florida. "I was trying to prevent the headboard from banging
against the wall, and I kept freaking that my parents could
hear us. It was a little tricky!"
Sex at the folks' house is tricky for some, icky for others.
"The thought of doing it under your parents' roof is something
that many couples cannot fathom, so they institute a hands-off
rule for family trips," says Laura Corn, author of 101
Nights of Grrreat Sex. If the prospect of hooking up when
parents are within earshot makes you cringe, then you should
probably abstain ‑- or stay at a hotel, where you'll
have privacy. But if you're into the whole forbidden-location
thing, face it: There aren't many places more off-limits than
your parents' pad. "Doing it anywhere you're not supposed
to can be a turn-on," Corn says.
How's this for memorable? The first time Terri, 31, of Dallas,
and her husband did the deed was at his parents' house! "It
was scary, but in a weird way it was comforting," she says.
"His parents had been married so long, it felt like a great
way to start a good thing!"
The First Time He's Not in the Mood
Before you were married, he was always up for some lovin'.
That's why the first time he tells you he doesn't feel like
having sex can hurt more than a bikini wax. "I panicked the
first time my husband told me he wasn't in the mood," says
Elyse, 43, of St. Louis. "I thought he must have someone else,
because he's never not in the mood. I was so certain there
was another woman, I even accused him of cheating."
Other women interpret "I'm not in the mood" as "Your butt
is too big." Just ask Kristin, 35, of Atlanta. "The first
time he turned me down, I took it personally," she recalls.
"I'm usually the one who's not in the mood for sex, so when
he wasn't, I was highly insulted. I assumed he wasn't physically
into me anymore."
Your guy wanting it (or you) all the time is something most
women take for granted ‑- but shouldn't. It's normal
for guys to not want sex sometimes, though it's rarely spoken
about in our culture. "There's much more shame associated
with low male libido," Berman says. Even young guys go through
times when they're lust-challenged: They may be depressed,
unhappy with themselves or just plain tired. "Don't jump to
conclusions and don't make a big deal about it," Berman advises.
If his dry spell lasts longer than a month, talk to him ‑-
but not right after he's rejected sex and you're both feeling
vulnerable. "The next day over breakfast, say, 'I noticed
we haven't been as sexual lately. Is there something you want
to talk about?'" Berman suggests. "If he can't pinpoint the
problem, encourage him to get checked out by a doctor."
In most cases, though, it's normal for him to want to just
crash some nights. He's a person, not a porn star!
The First Time Your Kids Walk in on You
When Jamie, 44, of Philadelphia, married eight years, heard
the pitter-patter of little feet while she was making love
to her husband, she froze. "Our 4-year-old was at our door,
bleary-eyed and totally unaware of what he was walking in
on," she recalls. "Thankfully, it was dark, but I never saw
my husband move so fast! He jumped up, covered himself with
a blanket and quickly attended to our son, who'd had a nightmare.
Surprisingly, after our son drifted back to sleep, we resumed
activity and successfully completed our mission."
Many couples find the prospect of their kids' walking in on
them during sex so terrifying that they avoid being physical
at all. "Never let this fear stop you from having sex," says
Berman. "While you don't want your kid to catch you in the
act, having a loving sex life is one of the greatest gifts
you can give your children. You're their models for how a
healthy intimate life should be."
But how do you relax when just the thought of your child seeing
Mommy straddle Daddy's lap is enough to give you nightmares?
"Put locks on your bedroom door," says Berman. "If your kids
are small, use a monitor so you can get to them quickly."
Older children can understand that you and Dad need some private
time; tell them they can knock if they need you. And if your
child still manages to barge in, remain calm, says Berman.
A young child might not even notice. But if she asks questions
or acts confused, tell her Mommy and Daddy are cuddling. An
older kid who gets it right away will probably back out of
your room as quickly as you dive under the covers (which you
should do). But if he lingers or seems upset, "explain that
this is a natural part of life," says Berman, "and that hopefully
when he's married to someone he loves, he'll do the same thing."
The First Time After a Friend Has an Affair
You know that people cheat. But when it's your best friend
or one of your husband's close buddies who's getting some
action on the side, it almost always makes you assess your
own marriage ‑- which can actually be a good thing,
explains Berman. "Maybe you are taking your partner for granted,
and this will give you new appreciation for him," she says.
"If things aren't so great between you, this might help you
to recognize what's missing." You might find you're feeling
vulnerable and want to make love even more. Or maybe you want
to punish your guy (or vice versa) for cloddish behavior on
his friend's part. You might even start to suspect that because
his pal's cheating, he might be up to no good too. "But that's
not a reasonable jump to make," warns Berman. "Don't make
him pay for something he didn't do."
When her best friend had an affair, it sent Lauren, 36, of
Chicago, into a tailspin. "I was filled with emotions," she
says. "Suddenly, I appreciated my guy so much more. I wanted
to have sex practically every day just to feel closer to him.
Seeing my best friend's relationship fall apart made me want
to make mine even stronger."
If you have real suspicions about your guy's fidelity, however,
or start feeling extramarital longings of your own, consider
this a wake-up call and discuss them ‑- with your spouse
or a counselor ‑- before it's too late.
The First Time After You Give Birth
Those first few weeks after you give birth, recapturing
your sex drive seems about as likely as finding a plumber
as hot as Mike Delfino. Not only do you have a needy little
creature living with you now, but you've also recently passed
a watermelon-size being through your birth canal. (Or, in
the case of a C-section, came through major surgery!) And
then there's the pain. Oh, and the pain. Did we mention the
pain?
Before Consuela took the postnatal plunge, she took a peek
and got really freaked. "I viewed my nether region a few weeks
after delivery and was petrified of it and of anything touching
it!" she says. "How could my friend have changed so much?
When my husband and I finally did do it, I remember him being
very tender and me wincing a lot."
With a little patience, Consuela's sex life got back on track
‑- and yours will too, especially if you follow Paget's
tips for making love during what she calls the "fourth trimester."
When you feel up to it, start being intimate without intercourse.
Take advantage of baby's nap time to kiss and cuddle. Give
each other foot massages. Make out on the couch. "Postbaby
sex is all about reconnecting," Paget says. After all, you
just created a human life together ‑- if that doesn't
tap into your mushy-gushy side, what will?
When you're ready to go all the way, get your ob/gyn's blessing
first. Most docs recommend holding off for at least six weeks,
but every woman's body (and delivery) is different; heed yours.
Some signs you might be ready: Your swelling has gone down,
and you're no longer experiencing vaginal bleeding or cramping.
Even then, take it slow. "Water-based lube can be your best
friend," notes Paget. Retearing old wounds will only mean
that you'll have to take more time off, so stop the action
if it's painful. But don't freak about a little discomfort:
Unless you've had a major, lawsuit-launching complication,
your body will heal and sex with your steady will feel amazing
again.
The First Time You Schedule Sex
Sure, you schedule play dates and doctors' appointments
and oil changes, but scheduling sex can feel pretty unsexy.
"We used to have sex every day ‑- no matter how crazy-busy
we were," says Jen, 32, of Asheville, North Carolina. "But
now we've definitely become that couple who books sex. We
work so hard during the week that we're just too exhausted
to make love then. So we set aside regular time on Friday
and Saturday nights to reconnect and be romantic. We have
to make a conscious effort, or it just won't happen."
"Putting sex on your to-do list is more romantic than it seems,"
says Corn. First, it shows that you both treasure "just us"
time. "And scheduling romance builds anticipation," she adds.
"When you know you're going to do the deed later that night,
you can leave him little notes or whisper innuendos to each
other, which gets you both longing for your sex date."
If you worry that having to book an intimate encounter with
your man is a sign your romance is dead, consider this: You've
been scheduling sex all along. "When you were dating, didn't
you know you were going to have sex on Saturday night?" Corn
notes. "When you go away to a hotel for a weekend getaway,
aren't you certain you're going to be intimate?" Bottom line:
Penciling in passion doesn't mean you two are boring; it means
you're committed to having a sexy marriage ‑- and what
could be more romantic than that?
