Men's most secret sex thoughts:
the fantasies! The memories! The insecurities! Join us for
a journey deep inside the male mind.
Redbook; 4/1/2006; Dutton, Judy
I admit it: During sex, I think the strangest
things. Some steamy (Yeah, right there, you animal!), some
not so steamy (Why is he making that face? Is that an orgasm
or indigestion?), and many miscellaneous (Should've bought
those 300-thread-count sheets--why can't I live a little?).
I also wonder what, if anything, my guy is thinking: Is he
eyeing my thunder thighs in disdain? Is he fantasizing about
Angelina Jolie, or an ex, or all three of us entwined together?
Or is it more like, Woo-hoo, she's naked!--end of story?
In some ways it is simpler for men: Yes,
much of what runs through their heads boils down to either,
Oh, yesss! or Must! Not! Come! (I have this on good authority.)
But look beyond those broad strokes and it turns out that
when a man makes love, his mind actually fills with a rich,
kaleidoscopic jumble of snapshots from his past, fantasies
he hopes you'll fulfill one day, even some secrets he'd think
long and hard before telling you.
Want to know more? Keep an open mind and
set aside your judgments, and you will never see your body,
your orgasm, his orgasm, or the man in your bed the same way
ever again.
"Wow, she looks hot!" When
a woman strips down, here's a sampling of her interior monologue:
Oh, my God, I'm so fat! And flat! Look at those stretch marks
... and what's with that weird new wrinkle under my armpit?
Meanwhile, here's what's going through his mind: She's gorgeous!
Period. "I think my wife is totally hot," says Dan,
31, of Farmingville, NY. "She'll point out what she perceives
as flaws, but I think she's nuts. Even if I'm not in the mood,
I'll catch a glimpse of her taking off her bra, and bam! I'm
in the mood."
But come on: We're constantly told how much
men dig visuals. Given that, how can they swear with a straight
face that our average-looking bods look so smokin'? The answer
is simple: You're familiar with the concept of "beer
goggles"? Well, men have "sex goggles," too.
"When men are intoxicated with lust, they automatically
hone in on the visuals that please them and block out the
rest," explains Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets
of Happily Married Men. "It's like they have inborn airbrushes
that kick in and smooth out what doesn't look so good."
Case in point: Michael, 45, of Santa Cruz,
CA, confesses he isn't thrilled about the weight his wife
gained after the birth of their second son. "The extra
pounds she's kept on, especially the belly, are not that attractive,"
he admits. "But when we're having sex, I don't notice,
nor do I care. There are no flaws. Every inch of her glows."
"Must think about baseball, baseball, baseball
..." There you are, joined at the naughty bits
and making the bedsprings sing. You're thinking, Aah, this
feels good. He's thinking it feels good too--only for him,
that's not always stellar news. For many men, there's a fine
line between "feels good" and the Point of No Return,
and since he desperately wants to keep his equipment up and
running until you're satisfied, he's in quite a pickle. "My
most prevalent thought while we're making love is, Please
let me last longer than three minutes," Dan, 31, admits.
This concern is common, says sex therapist
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of He Comes Next. To cope, "many
men conjure up imagery they consider the antithesis of sexy,"
Kerner explains. Baseball is a classic, but hardly their only
recourse. Some men silently do multiplication tables, or remind
themselves how much money they owe, or conjure up images of
"my grandmother naked on a cold rainy day," says
Jeremy, 30, of New York City. If you think that's unappetizing,
check out what Jay, 40, of Los Angeles envisions: "I
think about funerals--the casket being lowered into the ground,"
he says. "It's morbid, but anything that stops me from
finishing before my wife is a good thing!"
"Man, that night in Aruba was amazing...." If
you've ever suspected that your man is mooning over Halle
Berry or the babysitter during sex, here's a news flash: He
may be fantasizing about you. "I never fantasize about
another woman," insists Timothy, 45, of San Francisco.
"When I'm kissing my wife on the lips, I'm thinking about
kissing her on her lips, or somewhere else." As Haltzman
points out, "Men are bigger romantics than women think.
In fact, when I'm asleep and dreaming I'm having sex with
another woman, I stop and tell her I'm married! Ridiculous,
but true."
So, what exactly do men envision you doing
in these daydreams? Often it's something you've done in the
past. "I think about the time my wife gave me head in
a hotel bathroom while our kids were sleeping," says
Mike, 42, of San Leandro, CA. "Or I think about us having
sex outdoors on Treasure Island in San Francisco Bay--ooh,
how gorgeous her body looked in the sunlight!"
"Wouldn't it be hot if we [insert kinky fantasy here]?" As
much as guys dig those hot memories, their minds also wander
to any sexual "What if?" scenarios you two have
yet to explore. "I think about my wife doing things she
won't, or things I don't want to tell her I want, like anal
sex or role-play," admits Dave, 42, of Concord, CA. Sometimes,
the mental tweaks men make are as minor as changing what you're
wearing. Other guys have a much racier wish list. "I
picture me and my wife at a swingers party, having sex while
others watch," says Mike, 42.
So does this mean these men are dying to
expand their sexual horizons in real life? "Not necessarily,"
says Kerner. "There are definitely men who would like
to try these things with you in real life, but there are just
as many men content to just fantasize and have sex as usual."
"Mmm, Scarlett Johansson ..." While many
of a man's fantasies revolve around the woman he loves, other
gals do occasionally enter the picture. Sometimes it's a celebrity.
"Renee Zellweger--good lord, is she hot," says Tim,
32, of Detroit. Doug, 37, of Ham Lake, MN, remembers certain
movie scenes: "I think about the scene from True
Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis dances for Arnold Schwarzenegger,
or Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise in Top Gun."
Or their thoughts linger on women in their
day-to-day life, such as a neighbor or even (yikes) your best
friend. "Sometimes I think about past lovers; once I
imagined a coworker naked," says Michael, 35, of San
Francisco. "I don't fantasize about my wife because there's
not a lot of mystery left."
4 VERY STRANGE THOUGHTS MEN HAVE HAD DURING
SEX
* "The weirdest thing that I've thought is what color
I should paint the bedroom, because my face was about three
inches from the wall and I didn't like the color."
Michael, 35, San Francisco
* "I've wondered why she had one earring in and one out,
and why I was naked but still wearing my socks."
Kevin, 44, Yardley, PA
* "Damn cat, get a clue--you're fixed and can't do this,
so leave us alone!"
Mike, 42, San Leandro, GA
* "I once chose which font I was going to use on my website
during sex. As I orgasmed, I thought, Arial is hot, but Garamond
is sexier!"
Dan, 32, Queens, NY
Experts stress that these mental romps aren't necessarily
a sign of impending infidelity. "Novelty is often an
important element in sexual satisfaction," says Haltzman.
Fantasies, by adding some virtual variety to your usual in-and-out,
can actually keep your sex life going strong--as Michael,
35, can attest. "My wife and I had more sex than ever
when vacationing at a Spanish beach resort," he points
out. "When you see lots of topless women, you get motivated!"
"Geez, I've seen her more excited rearranging
the linen closet."
It's inevitable: Every guy has stared into his honey's eyes
during sex and wondered, Is she into this, or would she rather
be watching Gilmore Girls? Like it or not, he can
tell when you're going through the motions. "When she's
doing it just to please me, it's obvious: Her body's unresponsive
and she has a look of impatience on her face," says Michael,
45.
Of course, they'd prefer it if you were as eager to tear off
your clothes as they are. But if you're not? Well, in their
minds, it's only fair that you sometimes meet them halfway.
"Part of keeping a long-term relationship going is recognizing
that your desires and needs don't always coincide," says
Kerner. "It would be unfair for a woman or a man to always
say, 'Not tonight, honey,' when he or she wasn't in the mood."
"Is she ...? Is she ...? Yes! I'm king of the
world!"
You think you feel amazing when you hit your high note? Weil,
your orgasm makes him feel pretty dam good too. "When
she orgasms, I think, I have succeeded," says Ron, 42,
of Milwaukee. "But it's not only an ego thing. Men are
almost guaranteed to orgasm during sex. But when she does,
I know it's been an enjoyable experience for her, too."
It also helps that he thinks you look stunning when you climax.
"The furrow, the gasp, the tightening up and then complete
loosening of her muscles--it's all awesome," says Ben,
29, of New York City.
"Ohmygod ohmygodohmygod ohohohohoh ..."
And what do men think when they reach Kingdom Come? Often,
it depends on the orgasm's size and intensity. "The less
powerful orgasms are like, 'That was pretty nice. Oh, damn,
now I'm in the wet spot," says Mike, 42. "The best
ones are like being shot out of my own skin--like a burst
of warm, tingling happiness."
And after the wild ride is over? Although
men often joke that sleep is the only thing on their mind
afterward, some actually look forward to a little pillow talk.
"I dig our post-sex discussions," says Dan, 31.
"No stressy house and work talk, just fun, random stuff.
We talk about our kid and what he did that day or if he said
anything funny. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it."
In fact, when a man makes love, some of
his reflections are so sweet, sentimental, and utterly unmanly
that he may have trouble admitting them--even to you. "There
have been moments during sex when I've cried. There, I said
it!" says Ron, 42, who adds that marriage helped him
tap into these feelings. "Single sex was more of an ego
thing, wanting to do well so this chick will think I rock,"
he recalls. "Even when my wife and I first met, sex was
about wanting to do a good job so she would stay with me.
Now, I know she loves me and I can relax. Now, sex is about
pleasing my wife because I love her."
THE PENIS MONOLOGUES
Three brave men share the play-by-play of their inner sex
commentary.
"I THINK ABOUT BASEBALL--AND A LOT MORE.
This is awesome! I love my wife! I'm the man! I'm the ...
oh, sh--. I think I'm gonna come. Already? Must think about
anything but my penis. Must focus on breathing. In through
nose, out through mouth, just like Mr. Miyagi said in The
Karate Kid. Look, Seinfeld is on, I can use
that to distract myself. Will she get upset? Think about baseball.
Everyone says that works. Baseball, baseball, baseball. Must
make her moan like crazy. She is moaning like crazy. Good!
Must ... hold ... out. Is she coming? Yes! I'm the man!"
Dave, 29, New Jersey
"I FANTASIZE ABOUT MY WIFE DOING THINGS SHE'D
NEVER DO.
Wow, her butt feels great when I grab it. Her butt looks great
when I grab it, too. I wonder if she'll ever let me do anal?
She said she'd do it for my birthday last year, but I haven't
taken her up on it yet. Why not? Do I like the fantasy of
anal sex better than the reality? Her eyes are closed. What
is she thinking of? Me? Another man? Or a woman? Seeing her
with a woman would be so sexy. She's really grinding now.
I know she's close. I love watching her right before she comes.
She looks so wild."
Alan, 40, Los Angeles
"I WONDER IF SHE LIKES WHAT I'M DOING.
Was that a gasp of pain or pleasure? Is that her clitoris
or am I in the wrong place? Must alternate tongue and head
movements so I don't get tired. Up and down. Circles? No,
she likes up and down. Thank God--she's talking. She's telling
me it feels good. Great, now I can pace myself. Harder now,
then pull back. Keep her moaning, because that's hot--for
everyone."
Ben, 29, New York City
