I think there's a real void in the market
in terms of books. Men often get inhibited and even a little
defensive when it comes to sexuality and sex instruction.
I've had any number of male friends tell me, "I don't
need your book." But what's funny is that when I give
it to the girlfriends or the wives, all the guys end up stealing
it.
I'm in my late 20s, and I've got
to be honest with you: Guys in my generation are not squeamish
about oral sex. In fact, my girlfriends and I have noticed
that many men use their willingness to perform cunnilingus
almost as a badge of honor, as a virtue.
I think men are much more receptive to giving
now than they ever have been. That might have a lot to do
with that spirit of female entitlement, and the fact that
there's no shame today in being a feminized guy, a sensitive
guy. In general, I think that men really do enjoy pleasuring
women -- they find it intensely gratifying. They crave feedback
and instruction but are often reluctant to ask their partners
for it. So I think what you get is a bunch of guys with a
whole lot of enthusiasm and energy, which is genuine, but
a lack of experience and, especially, a lack of technique.
I think if this book were published five or six years ago,
there would be even fewer men who would be receptive to it.
Today, I'm sure there are a lot of guys who say, Of course
she comes first, and of course I want to give and provide
pleasure, and of course I'm looking to become a better and
more proficient lover. But they don't really know what they're
doing, and they're not really comfortable talking about it.
There was one part in the book where
you mentioned how people get a lot of false notions of sexuality
from porn.
Often in porn movies, when you see a man
going down on a woman, his tongue is flicking like a cobra.
The characters are obsessed with changes and are constantly
morphing into new positions. As a result, there are a lot
of men, and couples, who get caught up in the theatricality
of positions that are not very conducive to stimulating sexual
response. To me, part of the beautiful thing about oral sex
is that it is an intensely intimate act where a man can really
focus on the process of giving -- he can enhance his own arousal
while allowing his partner to focus on the act of receiving.
Many sexual positions that you see in porn miss the simple
elegance of giving and receiving.
Men tend to think that when it comes to
cunnilingus, they need to do all the work. I think they would
really benefit from allowing women to take the lead, let the
woman apply the resistance, the friction and pace that works
for her -- to adopt a real "less is more" strategy.
Why should the woman come first?
Why should that be the primary objective of partner intimacy?
The No. 1 question that the editors of Cosmopolitan
magazine receive, year after year, from their female readers
is, "What can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse?"
I would challenge you to find a man who would ask that same
question. Clearly, our model of sexual contentment, which
is based on intercourse and enshrines the simultaneous orgasm
as the apogee of sexual pleasure, does not vouchsafe female
pleasure. That has largely to do with the differences in male
and female sexual response. Men heat up quickly and cool down
quickly, and women tend to heat up more slowly and cool down
more slowly. The average man does not maintain penetrative
thrusting for more than two and a half to three minutes and
is able to achieve an orgasm, whereas women often require
15 to 17 minutes of persistent clitoral stimulation in order
to reach an orgasm. We're looking at a gap, and that gap unfortunately
often becomes a raging abyss.
I think it makes a lot of sense for men
to focus on pleasuring the woman first. Also, all women have
the innate capacity to experience multiple orgasms, so just
because she's had her first orgasm, potentially via cunnilingus,
that doesn't mean that there isn't a chance for them both
to experience the intimacy of intercourse. She comes first,
but she can also come again and again.
So basically what you're saying
is that if the man comes first, the likelihood of pleasing
the woman is diminished?
I think there are very few men, who, upon
having reached their orgasm, will continue to pleasure their
woman to her orgasm. And you also have a lot of women who
will fake their own orgasms in order to a) not continue with
an activity that is not necessarily enjoyable, b) avoid bruising
the male ego, and c) understand that criticism can often be
destructive to a relationship if not approached and framed
properly.
What about women who are able (and
prefer) to come through standard intercourse?
I may have written the Cunnilingus Manifesto,
but that doesn't mean I'm proposing a Stalinist purge of the
penis! I love my penis as much as the next guy. I'm not anti-intercourse.
I'm pro-outercourse. I'm in favor of embracing a model of
sexuality that might be less male-centric and more female-centric.
I am perfectly comfortable advising men to use their tongues,
their hands, sex toys, whatever, to bring women closer to
the point of orgasmic inevitability and then potentially transitioning
into intercourse. What I am simply against is an uneven playing
field in which men are consistently pleasured and women are
not.
