Sex? Love. Sex. Love? There comes a time in a dating woman’s
life when she finds herself wondering if the guy she’s
hanging out with is after a piece of her heart, or after a
piece of something else. The confusion of men saying one thing
and doing another combined with the overanalyzing of every
detail by our girlfriends can leave any woman wondering how
to know if she’s about to have a serious boyfriend or
end up a booty call. Curious ourselves, Savvy Miss turned
to sex & relationship expert and New York Times bestselling
author Ian Kerner, Ph.D., for his expert opinion.
Dear Ian,
I’ve been hooking up with this guy and I still can’t
figure out if he really likes me or if I’m just a booty
call? He says all the right things, but actions speak louder
than words, right?
Right. Turn down the volume and look at what he’s doing,
not saying. I knew one guy who always used to say, “I
don’t know if I believe in love, but I sure do believe
in saying I love you.” Talk is cheap, so look at his
actions: Do you go on actual dates together, or do you typically
get together for a drink or two before sex? Does he make a
plan in advance to see you, or does he call out of the blue?
Have you socialized with his friends and family, or is sex
always the main component of your encounters? Are you spending
the night together, or is one of you going home when all is
said and done?
In a previous column, I advised women
to trust their instincts as well as their orgasms. Sex releases
a hormone in women called oxytocin (also known as the cuddle
hormone). But if there’s nothing there to cuddle with
on an emotional level—if the experience is bereft of
a genuine sense of intimacy—then orgasm could trigger
a sense of sadness and regret.
But, what about him? Are there any
sexual clues that might give you some insight into how he
really feels about you? Or to put it another way, after sex
is he a “cuddler,” a “rollover-er”
or an “up-and-outer?”
If he’s a cuddler, you probably
have nothing to worry about. Even if he doesn’t fully
know it, lust is doing its thing and pushing him towards infatuation
and romantic love.
If, on the other hand, he does the “rollover”
after sex and starts snoring, don’t be alarmed. He might
still be a keeper. Men and women experience sexual response
in different ways. As an example, men have to develop the
requisite sexual tension to accomplish ejaculation, also known
as the propulsive orgasm. It takes a whole lot of blood going
into the genitals to accomplish this, as well as a whole lot
of blood going out. It’s exhausting, to say the least.
Post-ejaculation, men’s bodies grind to a halt. Since
women have no need to ejaculate, blood circulates longer in
the genitals—it’s slower going in and slower going
out—so women remain in the aroused state: Hence the
female capacity for multiple orgasms. So if he rolls over
and starts snoring, cut him some slack. Sure he could use
a little retraining—why can’t he fall asleep while
holding you in his arms—but his heart may be in the
right place.
It’s the “up-and-outer”
that worries me. The guy who, right after sex, is up checking
his messages, organizing his CDs or talking about all the
work he has to do and the busy morning ahead. Just as women
experience post-orgasmic regret, men experience pre-orgasmic
anticipation. Men will say all sorts of things and get themselves
into all sorts of situations and lower their standards in
ways that women cannot fathom just to have sex, so powerful
is the desire for orgasm (and why the aging toothless prostitute
is still able to turn a tidy profit).
Hence, right after sex, many men experience
their own form of post-orgasmic regret, a sense of entrapment
and desire to flee. Some anthropologists argue that this in
an evolutionary response—women have a limited amount
of eggs and men have an unlimited amount of sperm. So women
are going to be choosier about whom they sleep with while
men are going to be more indiscriminate, and then consequently
want to get out when they’re with a woman with whom
they’re not interested in mating with. So let’s
cut to the chase. He may be saying all the right things, but
his actions and sexual signals post-sex may be saying otherwise.
Cherish the cuddler, retrain the rollover-er and when it comes
to the up-and-outer, beat him to the door and don’t
look back!
