Book cover for So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex
So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex:
Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives

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Renowned sex therapist Ian Kerner shares his unique and indispensable methodology used to help thousands of couples get unstuck and into sexual sync.

Dr. Ian Kerner is a Sherlock Holmes of the bedroom—a sexual detective helping individuals and couples solve the mystery of their sexual distress. His secret weapon?

Kerner has perfected the art of the “sex script analysis,” a way of taking a magnifying glass to a recent sexual event and looking at the entire sequence of interactions—beginning, middle and end—from multiple angles. In those details—the what, where, when, and why of the last time you had sex—all the clues of what went wrong are revealed and the mystery of how to create mutual pleasure can be solved. When our sex scripts work, we let go into arousal and lose ourselves in mutual pleasure; but when they fail, it’s all we can do not to ruminate over the details. What can be learned by looking at your sex life in action?

With wit and warmth, the nationally recognized sex therapist and author of the smash hit She Comes First shows readers how to tap into their erotic personalities and realize their sexual potential. He’ll give you the tools and techniques you need to assess, fix and expand your sex scripts, as well as discuss many common sexual problems that get in the way of happy endings. With the help of decades of clinical insight, the latest sexual science and research, valuable homework assignments, case studies and more, this insightful and original book strips away discomfort and gives couples the ability to not just talk about sex, but to actually do something about it.

Advance Praise

“Even in therapy, sex seems like the one topic people need to talk about most but don't know how. Thankfully, renowned sex therapist Ian Kerner has come to the rescue for everyone who has wanted more out of their erotic life but felt stuck, confused, or just plain frustrated. Combining decades of clinical research and real people's stories, this elucidating guidebook is a must-read for anyone interested in creating a richer, deeper romantic life. There is warmth, compassion and clarity on every page.”
—Lori Gottlieb, LMFT, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

“No question, Ian Kerner's book is refreshingly informative—and honestly, that would have been enough. But what makes it truly special is Kerner himself: the abundant warmth that shines through, whether he is describing a client session or addressing readers directly. His compassion and kindness gently disarm shame, promoting the kind of communication and self-interrogation that are, ultimately, key to experiencing joy in sex.”
—Peggy Orenstein, New York Times best selling author of Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex

“A masterpiece! Most people experience sexual difficulties at some point in their lives and Kerner’s book is here to help people move through them to create more pleasurable, connecting, affirming sex lives. Highly recommended!”
—Debby Herbenick, PhD, author of Because It Feels Good

“Ian Kerner is a voice of equal parts compassion and logic. He speaks equally to men and to women, equally to people with great sex lives and people who are struggling. Ian’s work is essential in the world of sex positive writing.”
—Emily Nagoski, New York Times bestselling author of Come As You Are

"From breaking out of a sex rut to managing mismatched libidos, Ian Kerner is at the forefront of giving us fresh sexy solutions to classic sex problems."
—Esther Perel, marriage and family therapist and author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

“What a fascinating book on the how-to of sex—it’s packed with riveting data and great advice: Either you’ll be gratified that you are doing everything right or you’ll pick up a pile of truly valuable tips. Kerner is a wise man—it's a compelling read.”
—Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Anatomy of Love

So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex is simply a delightful book! It tells you how to focus down and unpack your sexual dance and make it rock! More than this it's so easy to read: down to earth and so eminently practical. A great acquisition for anyone who wants to improve their sex life.”
—Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

“‘Is the air you breathe oxygenated with a little bit of eroticism?’” asks bestselling author and sex therapist Ian Kerner. If it is, then you will savor this book, which (as the title indicates), invites us to look through the window of our last sexual experiences to illuminate our sex lives and what they could become. If it isn’t, then you must buy this book today! Kerner has created another instant classic for individuals, couples and their therapists who are willing to consider what last night could mean for tomorrow.”
—Peggy J. Kleinplatz, PhD, Professor, Faculty of Medicine, University of Ottawa, Canada

“Based on real stories and linked by real data, Kerner's So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex is a look into the sex lives of people that will serve to normalize, validate, and importantly, inspire! This book is for sex therapists, individuals seeking to improve their sex lives, and anyone who wants to turn good sex into great sex!”
—Lori A. Brotto, PhD, author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness

“For any couple struggling to make sense of their fickle sex drives, dwindling desires and disappointing sexual experiences, Dr. Kerner’s latest book is the first step towards living healthier, fulfilling and more pleasurable sex lives. This book will transform not only the sexual relationship you have with your partners but the one you have with yourself. It's a must read for anyone who is ready to let go of their limiting beliefs to make way for sexual discovery and satisfaction.”
—Emily Morse, doctor of human sexuality, Founder & CEO, Sex With Emily

“My goodness, he’s done it again. After helping men become ‘cliterate’ with She Comes First and guiding women through the intricacies of male passion (He Comes Next), Ian Kerner fearlessly leads us to explore one another. His guidance is at once fresh, funny, human and state of the art. What is your erotic blueprint? Dispelling one myth after another, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex invites you on a journey toward a deeper, richer and more authentic sexuality.”
—Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage

“Ian Kerner is a gem of a sex therapist and a masterful storyteller. This book is insightful, practical, accessible, and most of all, helpful. Written in an extraordinarily comfortable and engaging style, Kerner has produced a book that will not only grab the reader's attention and interest, but is sure to enhance the sexual, emotional, and relational lives of its audience. Much like his earlier work, She Comes First, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex is a book that will endure for years. I am sure to recommend this text to my patients with frequency and enthusiasm!”
—Daniel N. Watter, Ed.D., Past-President, The Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR)

“Does the sex between your ears or your sheets need a script update? You’ve come to the right place. Ian Kerner brings together up to the minute sexual science with the highly personal art form of sexual pleasure to give readers a master class in sexual script writing. Full of practical and knowledgeable ideas for rewriting your last forgettable sexual experiences into sexual narratives worth repeating and retelling.”
—Doug Braun-Harvey, MFT, co-Author of Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction

“Ian Kerner is the real deal. In So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, he uses the most essential form of communication—storytelling—to help couples follow the thread from their stuck, unsatisfying scripts back to the deep tender core of vulnerability that underlies them. Filled with practical exercises, Kerner addresses an array of sexual challenges and shows how they can become opportunities for erotic growth. He also inspires his readers to expand their erotic repertoire through flexibility, creative imagination, and more meaningful sexual conversations with themselves and their partners. I can't think of a more hopeful, humane and knowledgeable guide for navigating the sometimes vexing impasses of couple sex.”
—Daphne de Marneffe, PhD, author of The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together

“Kerner dusts off the traditional concept of a ‘sex script’ and polishes it to a high sheen. In his hands, this humble tool becomes a powerful key to deeper sexual aliveness. This is a highly original book. It’s also playful, deeply personal, unfailingly kind, and clearly a labor of love. I can’t think of any other sex writer who can discuss Aristotle’s Poetics together with the neuroscience of orgasm, but Kerner does it all with unfailing skill. Highly recommended!”
—Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of Love Worth Making

“Dr. Ian Kerner has done it again! So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex is the book we've all been needing... even if we didn't know it! Kerner masterfully alchemizes the practical and the poetic to help us more deeply understand the world of the erotic. By inviting us to relate to our sexual experiences as stories, Kerner gifts us the opportunity to co-author new possibilities for healing and joy. This book is a treasure.”
—Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, faculty at Northwestern University, author of Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back

She Comes First

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“Required reading for all men who are dating and all women who are wondering why they’re not satisfied. A practical, friendly, well-written guide for men who want to give better orgasms and the women who will be lining up to love them.”
—Cindy Chupack, Executive Producer, Sex and the City

“The sex manual getting the most attention these days is SHE COMES FIRST: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner... With a cool sense of humor and an obsessive desire to inform, he encourages men through an act that many find mystifying.”
—New York Times, Sunday Book Review

“The man who made oral sex into an art form.”
—Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D, Professor of Sociology, University of Washington and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years

“If you’re at all confused about how to use your tongue or fingers to make a woman come, consider reading the unparalleled work of genius She Comes First by Ian Kerner. The advice is extremely practical and hands on—he will literally walk you through every step of the way, with things like the Jackson Pollock lick and the Elvis Presley snarl.”
–GQ Magazine

“Move over, Casanova. Step aside, Don Juan. Out of the way Mr. Big. Meet Ian Kerner, the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. And you thought the brainy ones couldn’t be good in bed. Kerner has come up with an extraordinarily detailed how-to manual for men. Study it like a pre-med student and you’ll get toe-curling results.”
New York Post

“Is it too late to nominate Kerner for some sort of Nobel prize?”
Blogcritics.org

“Every man’s must-read. Tell your guy to put down the remote and pick up She Comes First.”
Cosmopolitan

“The title says it all. This is always my first recommendation for any guy who has found female sexuality a mystery, because it gives very specific, useful tips for the female anatomy. Trust me, reading this book will definitely change how you view sex and brush you up on your cliteracy.”
—Emily Morse, Sex with Emily podcast

“Perhaps it’s time we paid more than lip service to the idea of true sexual liberation, and perhaps She Comes First is just the sort of talking point we need to get us started. ”
The Guardian, UK

“This book has an incredible amount of detailed, useful information about pleasuring women. I kind of knew I was doing everything wrong, but now I know why. Thanks Ian!”
—Joel Stein, Time Magazine

“Armed with a doctorate in clinical sexology, Kerner has devoted his life to the study and practice of good sex—there are few men that wouldn’t benefit from the female-centric philosophy and techniques that Kerner advocates. ”
Salon.com

“Men, while still lame, can no longer hide behind the old excuse of ignorance when it comes to pleasuring a woman—the facts are all here in this complete guide. ”
—Dr. Drew Pinsky

“She Comes First is quite simply the best guide to oral sex out there. ”
AskMen.com

Passionista (paperback version, formerly titled He Comes Next)

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“In Passionista, his pleasure is all yours”
—Tracey Cox, best-selling author of SuperSex

“Ian is that best male friend who just happens to be a hip sex therapist. Passionista satisfies the reader with tasty morsels of sexual enlightenment, nibble by nibble, bite by bite.”
—Lou Paget, best-selling author How to Be a Great Lover & Great Lover Playbook

“A Master Class in Men. Four Stars. You need another sex book like you need a hole in the head, right? Not so fast. Kerner, who famously urged men to wiggle their tongues in She Comes First, is back with a guided tour of male sexuality, with an emphasis on the mind as well as the body.”
New York Post

“On the principle of ‘what is good for the goose is good for the gander,’ Dr. Ian Kerner has written the logical follow-up to She Comes First. He Comes Next provides detailed instruction on pleasuring a man.”
—Barnes & Noble.com

“..his discussions of male desire and sexual response, and tips on how to tickle the male libido before you even reach the bedroom, made me feel like a female Luke Skywalker, toiling under the tutelage of a much more articulate Yoda.”
—Sex Herald

Love In The Time of Colic

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“The ‘he says, she says’ handbook for rekindling your sex life with a baby on board. ”
Redbook Magazine

“Ian Kerner is a sex therapist and best-selling author, so whatever your excuse is for not having sex, he has heard it before. He’s also married with two young sons, so there’s a good chance he has also lived your excuse. Assuming, of course, your excuse is kids. Which it usually is. ”
Chicago Tribune

“Instead of simplistic New Age advice, Raykeil and Kerner offer practical tips for parents who live in the real world of dirty diapers, post-pregnancy pounds and little or no free time. ”
Seattle Post-Intelligencer

“Kerner (She Comes First) and Raykeil (Confessions of a Naughty Mommy) speak from experience when they give new parents advice about having sex again. Kerner writes from the male perspective of feeling like the third wheel and the temptation to bottle up emotions. Raykeil discusses the excitement of being a new mother as well as the sense of sheer exhaustion, not to mention feeling far from sexy with added baby weight. Compassionate, realistic help; highly recommended for all public libraries.”
Library Journal Review

“Fun and full of tips, the book is unstuffy (they use the f-word), very personal and, at times, naughty. ”
Miami Herald